On Mission Page 7

  I shrugged. “Necessity.” Both my father and Lorne stared at me as if they didn’t understand. “I spent a long time learning how to hide what I was. It’s not like you can go around glowing like a candle on Earth. I’d have been dead in days, but I lasted a long time. Because I got really good at hiding.” I shrugged. “If we end up fighting on Earth, it could be helpful for everyone to learn how to do that.”

  “Summoning our power quickly at the beginning of a battle is trained into every Aunare fighter,” Lorne said. “But turning it off like that is impossible. I’ve never seen anyone flick it off like a switch, and I’m not sure how safe it is to shove all that power away so fast. It seems to work for you, but it could backfire for anyone else.”

  I shrugged, unsure of what to say. It was more instinct than anything else for me at this point. I didn’t see the danger, but I understood that they were confused.

  They each studied me as they sat on the bench, but it was my father who spoke first. “Do you really think you should go back there? To the people that hunted you?” From my father’s tone, I knew his feelings. He hated Earth—hated what it’d done to us—and he didn’t want me to go back there. His opinion was very valid and warranted and the exact same as Lorne’s.

  I understood their opinion. I just didn’t agree.

  From the meetings and planning sessions I’d been forced to sit through with the former High Council, I knew they thought that we would fight among the stars, but the more I thought about it, the less likely that seemed.

  But what did I know? I was new to everything, and maybe they’d been lying in the meetings. At this point, I wasn’t sure what Lorne was thinking, and I didn’t like that at all.

  “Do I think I should go back? Yes. I really do. I would’ve told you, but I never see you anymore.” I gave Lorne a look, and he glanced away from me, not meeting my eyes. Because I was right. We both knew I was right.

  I looked at my father. “The more I listen to you, to Lorne, and to the rest of the now-former High Council, the more I think you’re all wrong. This isn’t a war for the stars. This is a fight on the ground. This is a war we need to bring to SpaceTech’s home planet. It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

  “Being on the ground means more risk to innocents,” my father said. “We have to do everything we can to keep it in the stars. From what we learned today, it’s at least going to start in the stars.”

  I ground my teeth together. He wasn’t wrong, but so many would die if we stayed in the stars.

  “You will not be going back there,” my father said. “That’s not what the Aunare will do. We don’t invade other planets.”

  Was it a decree? An order?

  Wasn’t Lorne the High King? Was he ever going to speak up?

  No. No, he wasn’t. “For the last two weeks I’ve sat in on all the council meetings. I’ve heard the arguments. I’ve listened to you plan for what might come next, but you’d be wrong to not consider my perspective on it.”

  “And what about the destruction on the ground, of the cities, of their people?” My father looked at Roan, but Roan’s eyes widened and he looked at me.

  I knew that one. Roan wanted me to do something, and he was right. This wasn’t his fight. This was between me and my father.

  The loss of innocents was a very real factor in any war, but I knew the Earthers would fight with us if given the right motivation. The vast majority didn’t like living under SpaceTech’s rule, but they’d been given no way out. It was obey or die.

  What if I gave them another option?

  Defy, revolt, and have a chance to truly live.

  “You’re supposed to lead here,” my father said, and I wasn’t sure why he was so angry. “You agreed to rule with Lorne, and that doesn’t mean you can run off to Earth and fight there whenever you want.”

  I was an adult. He didn’t get to say what I did or didn’t do. That was between me and Lorne.

  Except Lorne wasn’t saying anything. “Are you mad?”

  He shook his head. “I see that simulated mission to Earth and I’m terrified because I think you might be right. I especially can’t deny it when I’ve been thinking the exact same thing. Except while you’ve been busy training for it, I’ve been working so hard to make sure that you don’t have to go back there.”

  “You’re kidding.” I don’t know why it surprised me that we’d been thinking the exact same thing, but it did.

  “No.” He was serious, and that led to many questions. “I think we’re going to end up there eventually. It feels inevitable.”

  Wait. Something he said hit me, and I couldn’t let that go. “Why don’t you want me to go back to Earth? I’m not afraid—”

  “I know you’re not afraid, but I am.” Lorne thumped his fist against his chest. “I’m afraid.”

  Oh. Oh. “Why?” Earth was bad, but we wouldn’t be there to hide. We’d be there to fight.

  “I…” He swallowed. “I keep having these awful nightmares.”

  “You have?” He hadn’t been waking me up. He hadn’t said a thing. “For how long?”

  “Since the interview where you played all the footage from Earth.”

  It hit me what it was, and my heart broke for him. I’d thought he’d gotten past the initial shock of watching clips of the violent Liberation Week and execution arenas. I’d thought that he was okay with everything I’d shown, but clearly he’d been hiding his hurt from me.

  I hated that, and it would’ve made me angry but instead I felt awful that I hadn’t noticed.

  But when I thought about it, I realized that I had noticed a change in him. Was this why he’d been pulling away? “Lorne.”

  “Amihanna.” He looked down at his clasped hands. “I don’t know what to say. I’ve been trying to keep you out of it—not because of anything other than to protect you and give you some time to be you—but I need—”

  The doors slammed—again—this time I looked up to see Fynea walk through, and the way she was walking with purpose meant that Lorne had to leave.

  Shit. Why was our timing so awful right now?

  Lorne studied me for a second, and then looked over to see Fynea approaching. “Goddess take it.” He closed his eyes, and I could almost see the frustration leaking from his pores. “There’s never any time.” His words were whispered, but I heard them.

  I’d been feeling the same way.

  He opened his eyes and looked at me. The sorrow and apology and desperation that filled his eyes was big enough that I didn’t need him to say the words. I knew them. “I was supposed to have more time with you. She wasn’t going to come unless it was something vital.”

  I could feel the panic in his voice, in the way he was twisting his hands together, in the frantic beat of his frequency.

  I jumped over the short wall, grabbed his face, and pressed his forehead to mine. “Hey.”

  His deep aquamarine eyes looked at me, and I saw pain and heartache in the depths. I wondered why I hadn’t seen it there before, but he was so good at hiding and masking his feelings.

  He relaxed just a little. “Hi.”

  I let go of his face and stepped back just a little. Just enough so I could see his whole face. “You push me to answer your questions, but you don’t open up. You didn’t tell me about your nightmares?”

  He gave me a half smile that made me ache for the real one.

  “Not fair.” I shook my head. “You take on my nightmares, then I take on yours.”

  He let out a shaky breath. “I can’t burden you. I’ve lived a nice life here for years while you suffered and—”

  “So what? Now it’s your turn to suffer?” I wanted him to deny it, but he didn’t. The man was torturing himself over my past and I hadn’t known? How had I not known? “That’s not how this works. I don’t want you to suffer. That won’t change the past, and I survived. I’m here. I’m alive.” I waved a hand, gesturing to the gym. “And I can kick some serious ass. I’m positively frosty. But you can�
�t protect me from war. It’s here. It’s real. We have to start thinking like a team, and if your fears are keeping you from making the right choices, that’s not okay. We have to talk.”

  “I know.” He glanced at Fynea.

  She winced. “King di Noreya is on the line. He says it’s urgent.”

  One of the three territories with SpaceTech on the border. That wasn’t good. We all knew that.

  I nudged him. “Go, but leave knowing that I’m okay. Earth didn’t kill me. I didn’t die on Abaddon. And SpaceTech? They’re not going to get me while I’m here. I’m going to win.” I brushed a quick kiss against his lips. “I hate that you’re having nightmares about what I played in that interview with Himani, but if you’re having them, it means that you’re forgetting that I survived. All of it. Everything. And I’ll survive whatever comes next, because I’m a di Aetes, and I never—”

  “—give up,” my father said with me. “Not ever.”

  I glanced at him. How did he know that’s what I always told myself to keep going? “Right.”

  “I’m glad to hear that my teaching stuck with you despite everything.”

  I blinked a few times. His teaching?

  It made sense that my secret motto—the rallying cry that I gave myself to get through everything—came from him, but I’d never thought about it before. I don’t know why. It was obvious. Of course it came from my father. “It really did stick. Telling myself that over and over got me through a lot of tough times. When I was scared or hurt or burning to death on Abaddon, I told myself that and it made me keep going. Keep fighting. If I wasn’t dead yet, then I wasn’t going to give up. I couldn’t quit. Because I’m a di Aetes.”

  “Good.” My father considered me for a moment and then his skin lit, just ever so slightly. “Good.”

  There was approval and pride and respect for me in that second good that made me feel like I’d done something really right.

  When I first got to Sel’Ani, the distance between me and my father seemed like it could span the galaxy. Even though I was here and with him, I might as well have been on Earth still for all the good it did us.

  But things had been changing. I didn’t think I cared about him or about his approval, but now that I had it, I realized I probably cared all along.

  “Give me a chance to fix this,” Lorne said with a bit of desperation.

  I turned back to him. Fix what? “Nothing is broken. I promise.”

  “No. You can’t lie to me. I know I’m making mistakes, but give me a chance to fix it.”

  I huffed. “You know I’d been planning on ways to fire the High Council for weeks. Weeks. And it wasn’t until today that I realized you wanted me to fire them. I’d been too worried about what you might think to bring it up to you.” Which felt really stupid when I said it aloud. Of course I should’ve talked to him about it. “And now we’re both thinking that we’re going to end up fighting on Earth? We’re on the same page. For whatever reason, our communication has been funky since the interview, but that stops now. We’re a team.”

  “The best team.” Some of the stress and anxiety visibly slid off him. His shoulders relaxed, he sat a little taller, and the tightness around his face loosened. “We’re on the same page,” he said softly, and I thought maybe it was more to reassure himself than anything else.

  “Yep.” We were. Even when we didn’t realize it, we were united in our thoughts.

  He let out a breath. “You’re my shalshasa, but that doesn’t mean we’ll always get it right. It means that we’ll always work to make it right.” He ran a fingertip down my cheek.

  “Lorne? I do apologize, but King di Noreya is waiting,” Fynea said.

  “Go. Do your job, and I’ll keep planning. It’s good to know we’re not so far apart on our thinking.”

  Lorne pressed a soft kiss to my lips. “Tonight. We talk tonight.”

  “I’ll wait up.” I wasn’t going to sleep before he got to our suite. Not anymore.

  He pressed one more kiss to my lips and then left with Fynea.

  As soon as the door closed, I turned to my father, who rose from his seat. “If you truly believe that I am meant to rule, if you believe any part of what Jesmesha said—that I was going to make the difference between winning and losing—then maybe you should consider my idea about fighting on Earth. Especially since that’s the direction Lorne is leaning, too. I might not be the High Queen yet, but he is the High King.”

  “You should listen to her,” Roan said. “Both you and Lorne and everyone else here has been underestimating what she knows and what she can do. It’s painful to watch sometimes.”

  My father turned his attention to Roan. “And what do you think? You’re an Earther. Would you want her to go back? Amihanna, an Aunare, and betrothed to the Aunare High King, declared an enemy by SpaceTech. Would your people truly accept her help?”

  “Yes.” That single word held no hint of doubt from Roan. “You might’ve been back there over the years, but you don’t understand what it’s like to live there. There are so many people that are struggling to break free. A little push and they’d be primed to revolt. You send her to Earth, she’ll have them overthrowing SpaceTech in days. The Earthers would do the work for you.”

  “It won’t be that easy.” My father shook his head, denying the truth of what Roan said. “I know what it’s like there, and the risk—”

  “Of course there’s risk.” Roan stood to face my father fully. “It won’t be easy—literally no one is saying that—but you don’t know Amihanna like I do. We’ve been here for months now and you keep trying to shove her in a box she can’t fit into. Those High Council meetings were a disaster because they didn’t show her. At least they didn’t until today.”

  Roan was standing so close to my father, standing up for me, fighting for me, and I knew he would support me no matter what because he was my best friend. That was his job. But this felt different. Bigger.

  “You make it sound like I’m against Amihanna going to Earth because I don’t think she can survive,” my father said after a moment.

  “That’s how it sounds,” I said.

  “No. That’s absolutely not true.” My father’s words were sharp and swift as he turned to face me fully. “I’ve watched every bit of vid, every second of footage that I’ve been able to find, and you impress me. I don’t just think you can survive and win. I know you can. But I want you to see that there can be so much more to you than fighting in the streets. You’re so much more than this.” He waved a hand at the gym behind me. “Your mission doesn’t have to be hand-to-hand combat.”

  I didn’t understand why he was getting so worked up. “What’s wrong with hand to hand?”

  “Nothing. Nothing at all. I know that’s what you needed to survive for so long, and I can understand your focus on going back to that. It’s where you’re comfortable, but that’s not where you will grow. That’s not where you will become who you are truly meant to be.” He stared deeply into my eyes, and his skin lit a little more. “My only desire is to see you become who you were always destined to be. No growth comes from comfort, and that over there—” He pointed to the gym’s floor, “—that’s your comfort. But you’re Amihanna di Aetes now. The Future High Queen of the Aunare. Your mission can be so much bigger than what you keep going back to. That’s why I’m against it. I’m afraid you’re not opening your mind to what is possible for you and what is possible for the Aunare. What is your mission in this life, daughter?”

  My mission? I hadn’t really thought about it. Training, teaching, and fighting to help people survive made sense to me. And apparently, Lorne agreed.

  “Before you rush off to Earth, take a moment to consider all the options available to you.”

  “Okay.” He was right. I probably should start thinking about the bigger picture, especially since I’ve never really done that. “Okay. I need a shower.” I wasn’t sure why I said that aloud, but I was suddenly exhausted and there were too many thoughts
floating in my head.

  “A shower and food,” my father said.

  I smiled at him. “It’s almost like you want to be my parent.”

  “Child. I’m your father. I would give anything to have that role back.” He gave me a tight smile. “Maybe one day you’ll call me by something other than my given name or stop avoiding using any kind of name at all.”

  I winced, but I wasn’t sure I could promise that. “I’ll try.”

  “That’s all I can ask.”

  I started for the door and my guards moved into position. I glanced back at Roan. “You coming?”

  “I have some stuff to deal with, but I’ll be there in a bit.”

  I nodded. It was good to have some time alone. I had a lot to process.

  Nothing was as I thought. That was confusing, but in a good way. Because maybe I wasn’t doing such a bad job after all. Maybe I could even be good at it.

  I laughed softly to myself as I walked to my room, followed by my guards.

  I wouldn’t go as far as to assume that I’d be good at it, but at least I wasn’t terrible at it.

  At least I wasn’t failing.

  Chapter Eight

  AMIHANNA

  Plarsha sent me way too much food again. She did that a lot. I wasn’t sure if it was because she worried about me or if that was just her thing, but when I finished showering and getting dressed, the scent of food brought me out of my room and into the living room. The massive U-shaped couch was empty. The vidscreens were dark. But on the other side of the couch was a small dining table piled high with food.

  I quickly messaged Roan. Where are you? There’s a feast in my room. There’s no way I can make a dent in it without help.

  I’m getting some scheduling stuff sorted. Be there soon, but babe, you should eat. You’re losing weight again.

  I looked down at myself. Was I? I’d had breakfast this…

  Wait. No. No, I hadn’t. I’d grabbed a cup of wyso this morning. At this point, I was fully addicted to the Aunare’s version of coffee. I’d grabbed one piece of ra’altan to go with it because it’d been there, and scarfed it down in two bites on the way to training this morning.