Off Balance Read online

  Plarsha laughed.

  I gave her a long look and then switched our glasses. Plarsha was right. The drink gave me a warm feeling that was easing some of the hurt, and my skin had a barely-there glow now. A little more couldn’t be a bad thing. “If he cared, he wouldn’t let them hang on him like that.” Damn it. I took a sip of the drink. “I’m hurt and stupid. So incredibly stupid.” I pushed the cup away and rested my head on the table. “This is embarrassing. I’m glad it’s just you here, and no one else has to see my reaction.”

  “You might be hurt, but you’re not stupid.” She gripped my hand. “Want me to call him in here so he can apologize and explain himself?”

  I sat up. “No!” That would be even more embarrassing. “Please, don’t do that.”

  “This must be a misunderstanding. The High Priestess confirmed that you’re his shalshasa. Nothing can stand between the two of you.”

  I’d heard the word a few times, but I never knew what it meant. The way people said it—always with this reverence—I was afraid to ask, but tonight I was wearing my translator. It picked up the word, but I still didn’t understand. “Mirror soul? What does that even mean?”

  Plarsha’s eyes widened. “You don’t know?”

  “No. I know it’s something to do with the betrothal, but I don’t understand what it means. It’s never translated in the captions in the news. It’s always shalshasa.”

  “Can I ask you a question? A personal one?”

  “You brought me this lovely drink that’s making me feel sooooo much better.” I giggled and realized the drink might be going to my head a little. “Why not? What do you want to know?”

  “When you think of Lorne, what do you feel?”

  I froze as her question echoed until it hit the depths of my soul.

  What did I feel when I thought of Lorne?

  So much. Too much.

  A drop plopped onto the table, and I looked up to see what was dripping before I realized that it was coming from me.

  It was a tear.

  I was crying?

  It took a second to process, and in that split second, my lips started trembling. I pressed them together as I thought. “Apparently, I start crying without even realizing it when you ask me about how I feel. I…I…” I wasn’t sure what to say. “I don’t think I have the vocabulary or emotional strength to put into words what I feel about him.”

  My hand shook a little as I took another sip from the cup. When I set it back down on the counter, I was a little calmer. “Sorry. I don’t…I’m sorry.”

  She frowned, and her shoulders hunched a little as she pressed her right fist to her heart. “I understand now that we all expected you to just intuit what the connection was between the two of you. Even with your memories gone, we all thought that you’d just know.”

  Just know? Know what? Did no one understand how incredibly frustrating this was? “My mind was wiped. Erased. Most of the time, I’m just confused and lost and struggling to find my bearings. How am I supposed to know anything if you don’t tell me?”

  “You need to talk to him.”

  “And say what? That my mind was wiped? That I have no fucking clue what’s happening or what anyone is saying and that I generally don’t understand anything about anything? He knows that. Everyone close to me knows that my memory from before Liberation Week is completely gone.”

  She pulled a square of cloth from her apron and handed it to me. I used it to swipe under my eyes.

  “Want me to get him? He could explain—”

  “No!” I huffed. “I don’t want him to know that I’m crying over something so stupid.”

  “Your feelings aren’t stupid. Would you like me to get Roan for you?”

  I hated to pull Roan away from whatever he was doing, but I wanted her to do exactly that. “Yes. Please.” I knew he probably wouldn’t care.

  She slipped out her tablet and messaged him. “He’ll be right in.” She was quiet, but her look suggested she hadn’t said everything she wanted to.

  “What?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the rest, but at least now—even with my crying session—my skin was still barely glowing. Whatever drink she gave me might be my new favorite thing.

  She pressed her lips together—as if considering her words—before speaking. “It’s not been easy on Lorne. You were betrothed very young, and he came to rely on you. And then you were gone. It was hard for everyone here, but very hard on him. He might never admit it to you—he wouldn’t want to add to your struggle—but he suffered without you.”

  Oh please. “It was harder for me. I promise.” I was the one barely surviving, living in hiding. His life wasn’t on the line every day.

  The door swung open, and Roan stepped through. He was talking to someone beyond it. “—I’m checking. I’ll let you know.” He was dressed in a navy blue suit with a gray shirt under the jacket. The blue made his green eyes seem that much brighter. His hair was slicked back from his face, and he looked damned good.

  He gave me one of his big goofy grins, and that was exactly what I needed. “This party is frosty, babe. You gotta get out here. Plus, the king is wasted. It’s hilarious.”

  Roan was exactly what I needed.

  I looked at Plarsha. “Thank you.”

  She pressed her closed right fist to her heart. “Whatever I can do to help.”

  I slid off my stool and wrapped my arms around Roan. He was stiff for a second before he relaxed.

  “Hey, you okay?” His words were soft and drawn out with concern.

  “Thanks for being my best friend. For giving everything up and coming here.” I squeezed him tighter. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

  He started patting my back. “I’m living in the frostiest mansion, get to eat non-synthetic food until I’m stuffed, have access to healing pods. You don’t need to thank me for anything.” His hand stopped patting. “Wait. Why do I feel like I’m getting sweetened up for something?”

  “Probably because you are.” I pulled back but didn’t let him go. “Will you be my date tonight?” I blinked my eyes at him a few times, laying it on extra thick.

  He looked at me the same way he did when I’d accidentally smashed his favorite tablet. “Damn it, Am.” He closed his eyes for a second.

  I knew Roan so well, I could almost read his mind. He was taking a minute to pout.

  Then he’d ask why maybe a second before he realized why. Because he knew me just as well as I knew him.

  He opened his eyes to stare at me. “Why do I have to—Oh shit. You saw him.” A grin spread across his face, and he shook his head at me slowly. “You’re so predictable, babe.”

  I grinned back at him. “So are you.”

  “Fine. Whatever. I’ll be your date. But you owe me for this.” He was quiet for a second, and then he laughed, but it was his evil, cackling laugh. “Oh man. You don’t need me to be your date. I have a better idea.”

  Okay. Now, I had no idea what he was thinking. “You’re scaring me.”

  His green eyes filled with the kind of mischief that usually ended up with us getting in big trouble. “You know what would really piss him off?”

  Oh man. I liked his mischief too much. I almost always went along with crazy schemes, but there was a room full of people I was supposed to impress beyond that door. “What?”

  “What if you got Declan to be your date?”

  Plarsha clicked her tongue, but I almost didn’t hear her over my own laughing.

  I shoved Roan. “This. This is why we’re best friends.” Roan was totally right. This was a better idea. I wasn’t usually one for playing games, but I needed something to get me out that door. This was enough. This was going to be fun. It would probably also massively blow up in my face, but first, it would be fun.

  I was sure the Aunare would have a lot to say about Lorne’s betrothed spending the party on the arm of Declan Murtagh, but at least I was manipulating the drama. It wouldn’t be about what I did or how I said something w
rong or how Lorne was better than me.

  And then Lorne could flirt with whoever he wanted and not feel obligated to babysit me. I’d just ignore the feelings. I could shove them deep down just like I was doing with everything else that I’d felt for the past thirteen years. No big deal.

  It was a terrible idea. One I probably still would’ve agreed to even if I hadn’t been drinking. But it was also our terrible idea.

  I linked elbows with Roan. “Take me to Declan.”

  Chapter Five

  AMIHANNA

  The music didn’t stop as I entered the room. Neither did the talking. No one froze. But all the same, I could feel everyone staring at me. Some had blatantly turned to face me as they continued their conversations. Others were peeking out of the corners of their eyes. Even more were doing the stare-look-away-stare-again thing, and it made my skin start to glow again. Not a lot, but a little bit. I hated that.

  How long did I have to stay? Could I get away with twenty minutes? Ten?

  “You okay?” Roan asked as he half-pulled me deeper into the party.

  “Sure. I’m fine.” I was such a liar these days. What was a few more?

  “Don’t let them bother you.” He tugged my arm a little as he took us deeper into the room. “Check out the lights. Frosty. Am I right?” He pointed up to the ceiling, clearly trying to distract me, but I took his bait.

  I’d been too busy watching everyone stare at me to actually notice the room, but Roan was right. The overhead lights were dim, but they’d hung countless icicle-like lights from the ceiling, giving the room a soft glow. The tall tables sprinkled throughout were covered with a light golden tablecloth that flowed to the floor, and a smaller silver one on top that glittered under the icicle lights.

  Each table appeared to have a different centerpiece—some had tiny dollhouses, some had little beach scenes, others miniature trees. I was sure there was something that tied the decorations together, but I guessed I wasn’t Aunare enough to pick up on it.

  With the food and music and mingling, the overall effect was welcoming and homey and warm. But I shivered. I didn’t feel any of those things. Not here. Not now. Not with the way people were still staring at me.

  I would’ve run straight back to the kitchens, but I’d spent too long fighting for my right to live to let them see me scared. And if I left now, I knew that would only make the gossip worse.

  Roan kept us moving through the crowd. My translator was picking up bits of conversation, depending on whoever was in my direct line of sight.

  “—will never be our queen—”

  “—didn’t even come in showing her glyphs. Maybe they’re not as strong as we were told. Maybe she’s weakened—”

  “Lorne will never marry that halfer.”

  “—sham of a contract—”

  “You’re overhearing crap, aren’t you?”

  “Yeah.” I was used to people talking trash about halfers and the Crew, but I’d never been able to hear the insults people were saying directly about me. It was an all new level of horrible.

  Was it better to know? I was leaning toward not.

  “Stop using your translator to eavesdrop.”

  “Fine.” I put my hand to my ear to pull out the translator, but then I saw my mother rushing over to me.

  Tonight, my mother seemed truly free as she smiled bigger than I’d ever seen before. Her forest green dress flowed to the floor and was topped with a cropped shimmering gold blazer, highlighting the light tan of her skin. The outfit fit right in with the warm and earthy feel of the party.

  If my mother was struggling to transition to life on Sel’Ani, I hadn’t noticed it. I didn’t realize she could speak Aunare, and I never thought she’d know every person that worked at my father’s estate. But she did. The way she moved through the room tonight—stopping to talk to one lady in red, touching the arm of a man in gray with a smile, giving another a wave—each exchange seemed personal. Like she actually knew them. The poor diner cook had fully transformed into this perfect political hostess. It made me wonder how she managed to slide right into her new life here while I felt stuck and confused and completely displaced.

  “It’s like she was made for this,” Roan said.

  “Yeah.” I wished I could be like her, but no matter how hard I tried, I didn’t think I could be. If that’s what my father—what Lorne—needed, then I should break the betrothal contract now and get it over with.

  I looked behind me. Lorne was laughing at something one of the women fawning over him said, and the urge to run far and fast and never look back hit me again.

  Lorne didn’t need me. No one here did. With what they were saying about me, I knew I was causing more trouble than I was worth. Why should I stay?

  And yet, where could I go?

  Lorne looked toward me, and I turned away quickly before the translator could pick up anything he was saying. If he agreed with any of these people, then I really would run. Declan would fight the war on Earth, and maybe I’d leave—

  “Found him.”

  I put my head on Roan’s shoulder. “Who?”

  “Declan,” he said just as my mom reached us. “I think I got his attention. He’s making his way to us.”

  She pulled me away from Roan for a hug. “I haven’t seen you all day, and not very much this week at all. Are you okay? Have you eaten?” She placed her hand on my cheek. “You look tired and too thin. Are you sleeping—”

  “I’m fine, Mom. I’m not tired. I ate a little something in the kitchen.” Lie. Lie. Kind of true. It was only a cookie, but at least that was something.

  I stepped back from her. “I was in the gym with Declan earlier. Like I am every day.” She knew where to find me if she really wanted to. “Maybe come by tomorrow?”

  “You know I don’t like going in there. Declan’s pushing you too hard and—” She sighed, cutting off because she knew that line would start a fight. It always did. “You haven’t taken a day off since you woke up from your coma. You need to rest. Let’s plan on doing something other than training tomorrow. We could go shopping for some things for your room? But sleep in first. Okay? I don’t want you getting sick again.”

  “Sure.” The nightmares were making sleeping impossible, but she didn’t need to know that.

  Declan came to stand next to my mother. His black suit looked dignified, and his light blue tie made his crystal blue eyes stand out. He was strong and handsome, but his eyes were the most striking thing about him. And yet, they weren’t Lorne’s aquamarine eyes.

  I knew in that one moment of looking at Declan that there was no way I was going through with Roan’s ridiculous plan. Maybe it was because the buzz from the drink was completely gone now, but as I looked at Declan and the hint of longing in his eyes, I knew it was too mean. I was ashamed at even having considered using him in that way. He didn’t deserve that.

  “You look beautiful, Amihanna,” Declan said.

  I wasn’t sure what to say to that. I was pretty sure my mother just told me I looked exhausted—her polite way of saying I looked terrible. So, I didn’t believe him for a second.

  Roan dropped my arm and pushed me a little closer to Declan, and I jerked away from both of them. Declan looked at me with a question, Roan was giving me his what-the-fuck face, and I wasn’t sure what to do.

  My father walked up to us just as I was about to say something—and whatever it was, it would’ve been awkward as hell—and for the first time in a while, I was glad to see him.

  My father’s blond hair was braided just enough along his hairline to keep it from falling in his face. He wore a pair of green slacks made out of the same material as my mother’s dress and an oatmeal-colored tunic with his emblem—a blue falcon—embroidered just below his left shoulder. The sleeves were rolled just enough to show his wrists. “Good evening, Amihanna.” His voice was stiff with formality.

  “Hi.” I never imagined my relationship with my father would be as cold as it was, but here we were. Bare
ly speaking.

  “You should’ve seen her in the gym today, Rysden.” Declan was bragging about me to my father to thaw the chill between us, but it wasn’t going to work. “She relearned how to jump down from the wall.”

  My father gave me an assessing stare down. “I checked in a few times to watch. If you push up and away from the wall harder, you’ll get more air.”

  It would’ve stung more if I’d expected any kind of positive reinforcement, but I’d learned over the last few weeks that my father spoke fluent criticism. Still, it hurt a little. “Thanks for the tip, Rysden.” My tone was sharp, and I tried to smile to take some of the sting away, but it came out more like a grimace. I still wasn’t comfortable calling him Father out loud—let alone Dad. I knew it hurt him, but I couldn’t make myself change it.

  I closed my eyes and wished I was somewhere—anywhere—other than here.

  A hand settled on my arm, and I opened my eyes to see my mother. She gave my arm a squeeze as if to ask if I was okay, and I nodded.

  “Amihanna.” My mother’s voice was soft, but I knew the warning tone well. Don’t cause a scene. “Declan was saying that you’re coming along with all of your lessons. That’s wonderful. How’s your Aunare?”

  She wanted to ask me this now? In front of all these people who were no doubt listening in?

  Time to lie again. “Fine. I’m learning a lot.”

  Declan looked down at me for a second, and I narrowed my gaze. If he spilled right now about how I could barely retain more than three words of Aunare, I would murder him.

  “Roan. You cleaned up nicely tonight.” My mother switched the subject.

  “Thanks.” He brushed a hand down his shirt. “It’s the nicest thing I’ve ever owned.”

  “And how are your mother and sister settling in?”

  “They’re doing really well. The condo that you set them up in is frosty. They’re seriously stoked to be here.” They were staying in a building in Ta’shena—the capital city—but they’d come to the estate for dinner a few times. Roan had a room here and one there, but he usually stayed here. He was supposed to be getting a job doing something at the estate, but that hadn’t been figured out exactly yet.