Off Balance Page 5

  My nightmares had become crippling. I gave Declan all my time, and he trained me until I was so exhausted I could barely make it to my bed before collapsing. And even then, I’d only manage a few hours before I woke up screaming or rushing to the bathroom to puke my guts up.

  I was still struggling to survive, but no one seemed to notice that I was nearly drowning in the pain of my past. I hid my nightmares and trauma down so deep in my lies that no one saw what a mess I was. Not even my best friend, who I thought saw everything in me.

  But Lorne saw.

  Lorne knew.

  Every night he came to help me, and every day I pushed him away.

  And if I’d finally pushed Lorne so far away—if I’d done a good job of what I set out to do—then I had no one left that saw me.

  I’d never felt as empty as I did today, watching Lorne walk away.

  “Shower and nap,” Roan said as he pulled me down the hall again. “Then you’ll feel much better, and this dinner is supposed to be fun. We’ll have a good time. You’ll see.”

  Would I, though? Would I see?

  I wasn’t sure.

  I hoped so, but I wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

  Chapter Four

  AMIHANNA

  The party had been going on for an hour, but I was hiding in the outer kitchen. I’d gotten to the party early—before my parents—and sneaked right back out through the side door. This was the only nearby quiet corner I could find.

  Even in the middle of a big party, the outer kitchen was pretty dead. No long-term food storage or food preparation was done here. The center of the large room was a series of islands with counters that could either be heated or cooled depending on the dish being served. The bottom of the islands were glass cabinets filled with stacks of empty platters, plates, bowls of all shapes, sizes, and colors. On the back wall were more cabinets and drawers of table linens and silverware and decorations for the tables. Some days it seemed like there was a different centerpiece theme to the tables at every meal. But once the tables had been set, this room was quiet except for the coming and going of cooks bringing in platters to the islands and waiters taking them away.

  Off to the side of the room were offices where the head of the estate—Plarsha—worked. There were other offices down the hall from Plarsha’s for the head of the maids, cooks, and groundskeepers. When I first got here, I thought the estate was massive, and in the weeks since, I realized that it took an equally massive staff to run it.

  I was sitting in the far corner of the last island. The other islands had more than enough real estate for the dishes tonight. The staff hadn’t even bothered to turn on the overhead lights on this far island. So, I pulled out a stool from the stack in the corner—only used when the staff met to coordinate events—and watched the cooks and waiters as they rushed in and out.

  I wasn’t sure how long it would be before someone noticed I was sitting here and forced me back into the party, but for now, I hid in the shadows, read the news on my wrist unit, and hoped no one came looking for me. If the party was crowded enough, they might not even notice I wasn’t there.

  Doubtful, but it was possible.

  I froze as Plarsha came out from her office, tapping on her tablet as she moved. She was taller than me and thin, like most Aunare. Her graying dark brown hair was braided and piled on top of her head. She wore a clean half-apron, but I’d never seen her do any cooking. As far as I knew, she managed the entire house staff, except for the guards and security systems.

  She slid the tablet in the front pocket of her apron and turned to me like she’d known I’d been there the whole time. She pursed her lips and tilted her head as if to say I see you, and I’m not amused.

  Damn it. I’d been officially located.

  Laugh lines framed her teal eyes, but she wasn’t smiling at me tonight as she came to stand in front of me. “You’re supposed to be with the guests.” Most of the people my father staffed spoke at least a little Earther English, but Plarsha’s was especially good. She’d been my nanny when I was a baby, but after I disappeared, my father kept her on as head of the estate.

  I didn’t have any memories of Plarsha, but I still found myself comforted by her. “I know.”

  “If you stay in here, they might think you’re trying to avoid them.”

  “They’d be right if they thought that. I am avoiding them.”

  “At least you’re honest.” She looked at me like she wasn’t sure what to do with me. “This party is supposed to be your introduction to the king. It’s an honor.”

  An honor? Is that what this was supposed to be? “The king doesn’t want me to marry his son. I saw it on the news this morning. Why should I meet someone who I already know doesn’t like me?”

  Plarsha clicked her tongue. “He doesn’t know you. He hasn’t seen you since you returned, and—”

  The door to the kitchen swung open.

  The sound of music and laughter and chatting filled the kitchen for a second as a few servers dressed in loose black pants and a fitted shirt with a fierce blue falcon embroidered on the corner—my father’s emblem—came into the room. They gave me a quick there-and-gone glance before they placed their empty platters on the islands and picked up full ones.

  Even one glance from a server had my skin lighting, and I hated that.

  No one knew what to make of me. Whenever I was in a room, people stared. The staring made my skin glow, which made me feel exposed and vulnerable. I tried to minimize who I came into contact with, but that was impossible tonight.

  Plarsha gave my shoulder a quick squeeze. “Have you at least eaten?”

  “Not hungry.” I was too anxious to eat. I didn’t like the way some of the Aunare looked at me. Some of their eyes held hatred. The same hatred I’d seen from SpaceTech and Jason Murtagh.

  I was supposed to be safe on Sel’Ani, but the way that the Aunare talked about me and looked at me didn’t make me feel the least bit safe.

  “Well, you look lovely,” Plarsha said. “That dress is beautiful on you.”

  I glanced down at my dress, smoothing down the skirt. It was silver and sleeveless, with the same little embroidered bird that was on all the staff uniforms. The bodice fit snug against me, and at my waist, turned into a voluminous glittering skirt that fell to the floor. I’d put on some sandals because I wasn’t doing heels and pulled my hair up in a high ponytail, but that was as good as I could do on my own.

  I guessed the dress was lovely for someone else to wear, but it wasn’t for me. “I can’t fight in this. It’s got a massive skirt.” I tugged at the top a little. “I feel like one wrong move, and it’ll fall off.”

  “It’s not going to fall off, and you don’t need to fight. You have your guards for that. The dress is gorgeous.”

  Maybe it wasn’t just the fact that I couldn’t fight in it that made me hate the dress. Honestly, it was silky soft and probably cost more than a month’s rent at our old Albuquerque apartment. This dress was too fancy for me to ever be comfortable in it.

  “Why are you really hiding?”

  There were so many reasons, but it all boiled down to one thing. “I’m not in the mood to grin and smile and pretend to be happy. And I definitely can’t go out there and convince them that I should be queen when I don’t even believe that. What’s the point?”

  Plarsha patted my hand. “Stay here. I’ll be back.” She moved through the far door to the loud kitchens beyond. She came back a minute later with a cup and a cookie. Not just any cookie, but my favorite Aunare cookie.

  Plarsha sneaked a plate of them into my room when I first got here—sealing our friendship—and told me to find her if I needed anything. The cookies were slightly chewy but had this delicious salty-sweet thing going. There was a crunch in there, too. Not chocolate exactly, but something similar and equally yummy.

  I reached for the cookie, but she pulled them just out of my reach.

  I narrowed my gaze at her. “What do I have to do for the cook
ie?” I wasn’t sure it would be worth the cost, but I could at least find out.

  “The cookie is your treat. The drink is your courage. And you may have both, but only if you promise me that you’ll go out there.” She nodded her head toward the door.

  I should’ve known that someone sent her to get me. “Who messaged you?”

  She raised a brow. “I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about.”

  “You were messaging someone on your tablet when you came out of your office. You looked right at me when you put it away.”

  “And you think everything is about you?”

  I gave her a look. I didn’t know everything, but I was pretty good at putting things together. This one was obvious.

  She gave me a smile that had a bit of an apology to it. “Your father wants you out there. He said he’d come for you himself if you didn’t show in the next few minutes. I bargained for ten.” She handed me the cookie and the drink. “I suggest you take my offering and head out before he comes to get you.”

  I wanted to moan and groan and refuse, but I didn’t think Plarsha would care. She already knew how much I hated these parties, and she’d come to get me out there anyway.

  This was the third party since I arrived. The first one I just sat there, overwhelmed by everyone and everything. They hadn’t gotten me the translator yet, and I guessed everyone was so excited to see me, but…I didn’t react well to a bunch of strangers trying to hug me.

  The second party was worse. With the new translator in my ear, I could tell that some of the initial excitement and newness about me had worn off. Every word spoken, every look, every whispered slur that my translator picked up told me that I was an unwanted outsider. That it would’ve been better if I stayed lost on Earth. That it would’ve been easier if I’d just died.

  So, when they wanted to throw another party for me for my birthday, I told them I’d rather be back on the surface of Abaddon with a faulty suit. I guessed I said it convincingly enough that they backed off.

  But my grace period was over now. From the sounds of the party beyond the door, this was the biggest one yet.

  The cookie didn’t seem so much like a treat anymore, but I took it from Plarsha anyway. It was my consolation prize. I chewed the cookie quickly and then sipped the drink. It was chilled but warmed as it went down. “What is it?”

  “A light alcohol made from the tinka fruit.”

  “The nasty yellow one with the blue seeds?” I’d grabbed it from a prep station once, and never, ever made that mistake again.

  She laughed. “I told you that you’re not supposed to eat it raw. It’s delicious when properly handled, and fermented, it will give you a little courage without getting you drunk.”

  “It’s not courage that I need, it’s…it’s that I hate fighting the ghost of what I was. I hate the looks and the questions. And this thing—” I tapped my ear. “No one notices it. I hear more than I want to hear—way more than I should. I want to say that living on SpaceTech-owned Earth forced me to have a thick skin, but something about hearing how people want me dead in my own home and not being able to smash their faces—”

  “Who said they want you dead?” She was outraged, but she shouldn’t be. It was my norm.

  I shrugged. “Who didn’t is probably a better question.”

  “I wish I had better news, but you have a tough road ahead of you.” She blew out a breath. “That’s why tonight is important. Try not to take to heart what people say. You’ve been hiding in this estate since you arrived, and they need a chance to get to know you. Once they do, I think it should get easier.”

  “Easier?” I didn’t buy that for a second. Nothing in my life had been easy.

  “It will. Soon.” She said the word, but it sounded like a question.

  I drank the last of the liquor and set the empty cup on the counter. “All right. I guess I better do this.” I walked over to the door. There was a window at the top, but it was too high for me to see through. I pressed the door open just enough to see what I was getting myself into.

  The party was crowded with people, some gathered around the small, high tables, others sitting on the couches and chairs, more dancing to the music. Servers weaved through the people, offering food and drink to whoever wanted it, and I admired their ability to keep their trays balanced. It was chaos out there.

  I was about to step through the door but froze. Lorne was standing just to the right of the door with no less than five women fawning all over him. He was wearing dark-colored pants and a sweater just the right shade of blue to make his eyes seem electric. His shoulder-length hair was loose and looked gorgeously rumpled, yet also tucked behind his ears.

  A tall blonde ran her hand down the length of his arm. When she reached his hand, she grabbed it and pulled him seductively away from the other women. He smiled at her and leaned in close to whisper something in her ear.

  They looked like the perfect, ideal Aunare couple, and I’d never felt more like a halfer than I did right then.

  I stepped back, letting the door swing closed again.

  I turned away and leaned my back against the wall.

  I rubbed at the pain in the center of my chest. My skin brightened, and I closed my eyes. I breathed six in. Three out. Three in. Six out. Four in.

  God. I hadn’t seen that coming at all. I should have—maybe—but he’d never talked to any other women at the other two parties. He’d stayed by my side the whole time. But this party was different. Triple the size of the others, at least.

  I wasn’t jealous, but I was hurt and a little betrayed. But it was stupid.

  Of course women would want him. He was the crown prince, and he was so impossibly handsome. I was sure they fell all over him all the time. Just because I’d lived my life running and scared and pushing away any chance of intimacy, that didn’t mean he had.

  I was such an idiot. So, so, so naive and dumb. He was older than me. He probably thought I was still a dumb kid, which was kind of insulting since I was twenty now and—

  That didn’t matter. When he said we belonged together, I’d thought he meant romantically, but he was probably just thinking about political alignment.

  That made so much more sense than him actually wanting to be with me.

  “Amihanna.” Plarsha’s sharp tone cut through my hurt. “What’s wrong?”

  I motioned her toward the door. “See for yourself.”

  I went back to my spot at the island because I didn’t want to be reminded what a moron I was. I’d been reading into the things he did way too much.

  The noise from the party seeped into the room as Plarsha took her peek then receded again as the door closed.

  She strode quickly to me, snatching the cup from the counter, before disappearing back into the kitchen.

  When the kitchen door swung behind her, I was left alone in the quiet with my pathetic hurt.

  I should’ve listened to Roan. I should’ve given Haden a real chance before I pushed him away. I never really got to the crush stage with Haden, and now I was totally, completely lost in lust land with Lorne. It wasn’t healthy for a twenty-year-old to have a first crush like this on someone. I’d put Lorne on a high pedestal, and did he deserve it? I didn’t know. I thought he did, but I could be wrong.

  No. Not could be. I was wrong. I didn’t even really know him.

  He was a family friend who felt obligated to help me. Nothing more. He saw through my bullshit, but that was it. The betrothal was nothing important. It was just a contract our parents had made when we were little. I had to remember that.

  Plarsha came back from the kitchens—this time with two cups, larger than before. This was why I’d instantly loved Plarsha. She was completely frosty.

  Plarsha set down the cups, grabbed a stool from the corner, and sat down beside me. Without a word, she slid one cup to me with the tip of her finger.

  I stared at the cup for a moment before looking at her. “I appreciate it, but I don’t think it’
s going to help.” When she kept quiet, I had to wonder if maybe it wouldn’t hurt. “How many before I’m drunk?”

  “This is enough to ease the sting a little. Still not enough to get you fully drunk—you’d need at least three glasses of this size—but it’s better than nothing.” She took a sip from her cup and then set it down with a thunk. “I know that you’re hurt—”

  I slashed my hand through the air to stop her. “I don’t have any right to be. Lorne can be with whoever he wants, I just thought…” I didn’t know what I thought. The man was nearly twelve years older than me. Of course he’d had girlfriends and flings and I didn’t want to think about what else. He was the Crown Prince of the Aunare. I was sure that came with a few perks that he enjoyed.

  He was a man. A typical man underneath it all.

  I drained the glass in one go and set it on the table. “Three? You said three? So, maybe I could have one more?”

  Plarsha clicked her tongue. “He’s betrothed to you. It’s you he’s waited for all these years.”

  “So, you’re saying he hasn’t had women coming in and out of his rooms?” I pointed my finger at her before she could say anything. “And don’t lie.”

  Plarsha took a delicate sip of her fruity spiked beverage.

  That’s what I thought. “We have a contract. That doesn’t mean he loves me or that we’ll even end up together. I looked it up.”

  “I don’t know what you read, but you’re wrong.” Plarsha leaned forward a little. “Earthers might betroth their children for political or financial reasons, but we don’t. Sure, those things come into play, but the agreement isn’t approved unless the High Priestess deems that it would also be a well-matched pair. Meaning love is present in the union.”

  Oh please. “You can’t tell me that he loves me, and yet he’s out there letting those women hang all over him. Did you see the one in the black-patterned dress? The one with no back and barely enough front to cover her tits? I could almost see him drooling over her.”