Off Balance Read online

  I hope the Goddess damned Seri to a special realm of the After. I ran my hands down my face as I tried to figure out how I hadn’t seen through Seri’s facade.

  Well, at least I wasn’t the only one she’d deceived. It was me and the maid in the same boat together. Seri probably knew about Almya’s background and singled her out, knowing that this particular maid would understand not wanting to be known as a thief.

  Solan was wrapping up the interview, but we knew everything we needed now.

  “Lorne?” Amihanna’s hands grabbed mine, pulling them away from my face.

  I kept one of her hands in mine, linking our fingers together before she could pull away.

  “I believe Almya.” Amihanna pointed to the screen with her other hand. “She can’t be faking that kind of shock.”

  I squeezed her hand. “I agree.”

  Amihanna let out a sigh. “Good. So, she won’t be punished. Right? Since it was me who would’ve gotten killed by the bomb, I think my vote should count the most. Do we vote? Or is there some sort of trial?”

  “Trial, but she’ll be fine. Every member of our staff can be a target. She’ll be reminded of protocol, and this will be a lesson she won’t forget.”

  “But don’t you think we should help her?” Amihanna turned to Fynea. “I mean, if you love her top so much, I wonder what else she could make us.”

  I honestly never knew what Amihanna was going to say. “You want to keep her on staff as your personal stylist?” I just wanted to make sure I understood what she wanted.

  “Is it possible? I mean—I know it’s not what would usually happen, but she seems talented.”

  I looked into her beautiful brown eyes and prayed she’d hear me this time. “You’re Amihanna di Aetes. Anything is possible for you.”

  “No. That’s not true.” She laughed, and I wondered if I could shake the truth into her somehow.

  I would do anything for Amihanna. I could make anything happen for her if she’d give me a little bit of time to do it.

  “Not everything is possible,” Amihanna said. “But if I can help her out, then why not? Maybe she can find a way to tone down my dresses a little. Make them a little less awful.”

  Goddess. Did she feel she had so little control in her life that she didn’t think she could even pick what she wore?

  This one small thing was easily fixed. “You don’t like dresses?”

  “Don’t like is too mild for how I feel. I hate them, Lorne. I hate them. I had to wear one every day at the diner, and the number of leers and hands on me… I swore that if I ever got to quit that job, I’d never wear another dress again. And I’ve worn dresses, Lorne. Three times. I hate them. But my mother—”

  “You’re Amihanna di Aetes. Betrothed to me. The crown prince. No one gets to tell you what to wear. No one. Not even your mother. Burn them if you don’t like them. You’re in control.”

  Her eyes widened a little. “I’m in control.” She said the words as if she were testing them out, but then she shook her head. “I can’t burn them. I don’t have any money to—”

  Fynea’s sharp laugh quieted Amihanna.

  She looked at Fynea. “What? What did I say that was funny?”

  Fynea started to speak to me in Aunare, but I shook my head. “In English.”

  “I was just telling him how absurd it was that you think you have no money.” She licked her lips. “Things were hard for you on Earth. I understand that, but it seems that no one’s said it plainly. There’s only four Aunare richer than you. The king. Your parents. And the man sitting next to you. I believe Lorne’s sister ranks just under you, but by a bit.”

  “That’s accurate,” I said. “I assumed since you knew your position that you knew you had money, but maybe I should’ve been clearer.” I should’ve realized when she got so excited about how much Roan was making, but I thought she was just excited for her best friend.

  Amihanna’s mouth dropped open, but it took her a few seconds before she could say anything. “But I didn’t earn any money. I don’t have a job. I don’t even have a bank account here—”

  She was dead wrong, and I was putting an end to this right now. “You have multiple accounts across the universe to make it easy for traveling. Your job is helping me run the Aunare Empire. When this interrogation is over, I’ll show you exactly how to access your accounts. But you should know that when we marry, you’ll gain access to my accounts, too. Together, we will be the richest people in the known universe. So, Fynea’s right. Your thinking you have no money is insanity.” The horror on her face at my words would’ve been funny if it hadn’t broken my heart.

  Roan leaned close to her. “Guess you can finally get some cash for your go-bags now.”

  Oh Goddess. This just kept getting worse. “You need money for something? Go-bags?” I asked, but I was terrified that I knew the answer.

  I watched Amihanna’s face carefully, but she just shook her head.

  Okay. I’d heard her use the term before, but… It came to me then. “You spoke about them in the tournament. Bags of essentials hidden in case you need to run. Is that it? You have go-bags here, and you need money for them?”

  She didn’t answer, but her lower lip started to tremble. She bit it to make it stop, but I’d seen it. This was really important to her, and I needed to get it right.

  “Roan?” I asked him. “Explain, please.”

  He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. “She’s got bags stashed all over the house.”

  “Goddess.” I wasn’t sure I could take much more today, and this was tipping me over the edge. It wasn’t that my feelings were hurt or that I was mad. It was that she thought she needed them at all, and that she’d kept them from me.

  “She has one in her room. One in a bathroom by the gym. I think she might have one in the kitchen somewhere, and if I know her at all, there’s one in your room now.” He shook his head as he looked at her. “She’s been bitching a bit about not having any cash in them. But there’s some food packaged up—just stuff that would last. Nothing fresh. Dried fruit. One of the kitchen maids made her some jerky. Crackers she stole from the pantry. That kind of thing. I told her I’d give her some of my cash for them since I was getting paid now, but that just pissed her off. I still snuck some in though.”

  Amihanna straightened. “Roan! I told you not to do that. That’s your money!”

  “Bullshit, Am. Bullfuckingshit.”

  The two stared at each other—apparently having some sort of silent argument—but I was still struggling to keep up.

  She didn’t know she was safe here? I guessed after today that made sense, but she was still that scared?

  One look at her told me everything I needed to know.

  She was still that scared. Still that traumatized.

  Goddess. No wonder she was still having nightmares.

  I rested my face in my hands. How did I not know this? How did I not see? No wonder she was mad I put her in the bunker. I might not have been able to predict an attack on the estate, but she’d been ready for it. She’d been ready to run, and I’d trapped her.

  “She doesn’t mean for you to take it personally,” Roan said. “Honestly, Lorne. Don’t be mad. She just needs them to make herself feel safer. They’re her safety net.”

  I dropped my hands and looked at Amihanna. Her head was hanging and her skin was bright and I could tell she was doing the breathing exercises. I didn’t know what she was feeling exactly, because it was too much, too strong, too overwhelming.

  “I’m not mad, Amihanna. My heart is breaking for you, but I’m not mad.”

  Her gaze snapped to mine, and I could see her questioning the truth of my words. “I’m not mad,” I said again.

  “Over the last ten years, she’s told me some crazy shit.” Roan explained because Amihanna wasn’t ready to talk yet.

  If I’d learned one thing about her, it was that she had a hard time finding the words for her feelings. I had to pry them out
of her.

  “I was poor,” Roan said. “Like the hungry-all-the-time, sharing a one-bedroom apartment with two other families kind of poor. But I was never as poor as her. I never spent a night on the street. I never went days without food and tried to find something edible in dumpsters. I always had clean clothes. Never new, but I was clean. She wasn’t. Add in the fear of being hunted. She had it worse than anyone I ever met, and that’s saying something.”

  “I got by,” she muttered.

  “Barely.” Roan shook his head. “When I first met Am, she was a little skeleton girl in filthy, raggedy clothes.”

  Amihanna looked at Roan then. “Skeleton girl? Seriously?”

  “Shit, babe. Jorge thought you were dead when he found you. Your mother was a little better off, but you were… It was all the Crew could talk about for weeks.”

  She shrugged as if to say it was no big deal, when I was already pretty sure Roan was downplaying it a little. I hated knowing this, but at the same time, I needed to know. I didn’t dare show any emotion or else Amihanna would make Roan stop talking.

  “I’m hard to kill.”

  “Don’t I know it.” Roan’s gaze met mine. “Once Jorge got them settled, Am said she wasn’t doing that again. So she prepared—food, clothes, blankets, extra pair of shoes, toiletries. She always stashed money all over the place, too. It wasn’t much—shit, we never had more than a few credits—but added up it might’ve been enough to get her by until she could find a job. I bet she’ll pack another one tonight and put it somewhere outside. Just in case. Right, Am.”

  “It’s almost annoying how well you know me,” she said, and then she finally looked at me.

  I saw in her eyes the need for me to understand, and I did. I really did.

  “Jorge and the Crew saved us. I can’t ever repay my debt to them. I would do anything for the Crew. But I never feel safe unless…” She trailed off, and I waited for her to say something else, but she looked at Roan and shrugged.

  “Okay.” I reached for her hand, and she took it. “Fynea?” I asked without looking away from Amihanna.

  “I’m already having it pulled. How much?”

  “Whatever you think and then double that.” Money was easy for me to give her. “Your room. The gym bathroom. Kitchens. My room. One in the gardens.” Because that’s where I knew she’d stash it. “Any others?”

  She shook her head. “Not right now.”

  “All right. Maybe another for the bunker.”

  “One in the tunnels would be good, too,” Fynea said.

  “Great. Make it happen, Nea.”

  “Already done. One of Eshrin’s men will find the bags, and add the cash within the hour.”

  I looked at Fynea then. “An hour?” I had the cash in the safe. If Amihanna wanted it, she could have it in five minutes.

  “I’m pulling Aunare, Earther, and a few other currencies. I’m getting some different identifications, too. Plus, things to alter her looks for each ID. I’m having them add a couple weapons and make sure she has enough food, too. That’s why it’s taking the hour. If she needs to feel like she can run to feel safe, then she needs to have it all.”

  “Good.” That was really good. I hadn’t thought of the identification. That was why Fynea was my assistant. “Thank you.”

  “Just like that?” Amihanna sounded surprised. “You’re not going to fight about it or get mad? You’ll just help me?”

  How did she not know that I would help her? “I’m not mad. It hurts to know that you need this, but I understand why. If a well-stocked go-bag is what you need to feel safe, then I can make that happen. That’s easy. I can have some made for Roan, too. Have them placed with yours. We can sleep with one next to you if that’ll make you sleep easier.”

  Her eyes went glassy. She squeezed them tight, but her grip on my hand was tighter. She sucked in a shaky breath.

  I scooted my chair closer to hers. I held her face in my hands, and when I brushed my lips against hers, her eyes opened. “I would do anything for you,” I whispered against her lips. “If you need something, you just have to tell me. Anything at all. Okay? Just say the words.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I’m sorry about the bunker. You wanted to grab a go-bag and run, and I trapped you.”

  “Yes.” She said it without judgment or emotions. Just a matter-of-fact confirmation of why she’d been mad.

  “I didn’t realize. Even when I knew you were upset…Even after…I didn’t fully understand. But I do now. I made you feel trapped and like you were going to die in there. Right?”

  “Yes.”

  Her answer was like a hit in the stomach. “I’m truly sorry. That wasn’t my intention.”

  “I know you are.” She gave me a small hint of a smile. “That you’re putting money and IDs in the go-bags for me? That fixes it.”

  It couldn’t be that easy. She forgave me? “Are you sure? Is it that easy to forgive me?”

  She shrugged and gave me a little shake of her head. “It doesn’t do me any good to hang onto anger about it. It’s over. No one got hurt. And you understand now, so I know it won’t happen again. Which means I can let it go. It’s that easy.”

  I hated to poke at it, but she didn’t seem to forgive easily. At least not from how she was treating Declan. “But you haven’t forgiven Declan? You still seem angry with him.”

  “Why should I forgive him when he’s not sorry? Even knowing how much pain I went through or how I almost died. It doesn’t change anything for him. Given the same choices, Declan would do the same thing again. So, why should I forgive him? Why would I ever trust him again?”

  She was right. She was so very right. “You shouldn’t trust him.”

  She smiled then, a real smile. “I know. Your mistake was different. You came immediately to fix it and apologize. You swore you would do things differently if there’s a next time. You’re fixing my go-bags, proving that you would let me run—or fight—if there was another attack. I’m here with you, getting information so that I can make a plan. Any lingering anger or annoyance went away with that. You might seem perfect—you might want to be perfect—but I know you’re not. I might be your shalshasa, but you don’t know me. Not really. So, you’ll make mistakes. And so will I. But we’ll treat each other with respect. So, it’s okay. We’re okay.”

  We’re okay. Those words meant everything to me. I could stare into her big eyes with their flecks of gold and amber forever, but there was a thunk on the table.

  “Sorry to interrupt, but I think that’s the woman of the hour coming now.” Fynea had put down her tablet and was watching the screen.

  “Thank you.”

  “It’s my pleasure, Your Highness.” Fynea gave me a wink.

  I turned back to the screen just in time to see Seri enter the interrogation room, with Solan walking in after her.

  Goddess. Seri was the last person I wanted to see. Right now I just wanted to take Amihanna back to my room and hold her until she felt safe again. Even if she didn’t need it, I did. I needed to feel her close to me because right now, I didn’t feel very safe. My emotions were too raw and that meant I’d be too quick to use my fao’ana.

  But a quiet moment would have to wait. I needed to find out who else was behind this bombing. This anti-Amihanna movement on Sel’Ani needed to be put down as quickly as possible. If anything happened to her, then everyone on this planet would pay.

  I forced myself to watch the screen, but held on to Amihanna’s hand. I needed at least that much.

  Seri’s movements were stiff and jerky and there was something about the way she was staring at Solan as he talked… It was as if she were thinking of ways to murder him slowly. Her skin wasn’t glowing and she was smiling, but there was a deadness to her eyes. She was seething. She’d probably been expecting to be led to my rooms, but instead, she was here.

  Seri gave Solan a small nod, and she looked like someone I’d never met before.

  “That’s a hell of
an ex you got, Lorne. Check out that I’m-going-to-murder-you stare.” Roan let out a whistle. “You sure you don’t have any popcorn? Or maybe something popcorn adjacent? I’m really open to suggestions, ’cause all this drama is making me hungry.”

  Amihanna gave a startled snort before she started laughing, and I knew right then why Roan was her best friend. He had excellent timing.

  We didn’t have corn on Sel’Ani, but… “No popcorn, but I think I can do better.”

  “Dude. You’ve been holding out on me. That’s not frosty at all. I thought we were friends.”

  I typed something on my wrist unit and tugged Amihanna’s chair closer until it was pressed against mine. Close enough so that I could wrap an arm around her shoulders, and she settled against me.

  This might’ve been the worst day—a bombing, Seri being uncovered as a traitor, and—worst of all—I made Amihanna feel like her only way to find peace was to leave.

  But that meant that I only had one way to go. Up.

  With her here nestled beside me, I felt like I was already soaring.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  AMIHANNA

  Lorne pulled me into his side, and I had a second to pull away or let myself get tucked against him. I thought I could push him away. I thought I could leave, but every time I tried it, Lorne convinced me to stay.

  I couldn’t deny my attraction to him. He was beautiful, but he was also the kind of person that just demanded attention. Not because he wanted it, but because he was impossible to ignore. Everyone else was as drawn to him as I was. He just had this special, unexplainable thing about him.

  The way he’d give people a patient smile told me that he was aware of his effect on them, but he was always so thoughtful and kind. I kept waiting for him to do something wrong, but even when he pissed me off, he didn’t mean to.

  As much as I wanted to shove my attraction to him in the same category as everyone else’s, it just wasn’t. The more time I spent with him, the more I felt this pull that I couldn’t deny.

  So, when he physically pulled me to him, I couldn’t deny that either. With my head resting against his chest, I wondered if I’d finally found the one thing that I’d always been looking for. But home couldn’t be found in a person. Could it?