Off Balance Read online

  “I am not!”

  “A month of no sleep?” She shoved me, and I slapped her hand away. “You’re slower.”

  “Shut it.”

  “Well, maybe not as slow as an Earther.” She gave me a wicked smile, and I couldn’t stop the laugh. “So, what’s the word? Who’s after Amihanna?”

  “Seri. Or that’s what Solan and the team inside thinks.”

  A look crossed her face. One that I couldn’t quite read. “What?”

  “Well, now I understand the skin glowing and the questions. Wow. Seri. I didn’t think she had it in her. Some of the others…” She gave me a small shrug that felt huge.

  “No. The others? Really?”

  “Really.”

  “But I’m betrothed.” This was ridiculous. “Don’t they know that I never would’ve married them?”

  “You haven’t been acting betrothed, my dear friend.”

  She had a point. “I guess not, but Amihanna was a child the last time I saw her. I didn’t expect…”

  “She’s tough, smart, strong…not to mention gorgeous.”

  “Why would you?”

  Fynea laughed. “She breezed through that course with grace and ease and a smile lighting up her face.”

  Goddess. It had been one of the most amazing things I’d ever seen, and Amihanna didn’t get why.

  “If you won’t take your shot, mind if I have it?”

  “Shut it, Nea.” I closed my eyes. “She’s everything to me.”

  “Ooh-ho-ho. Look at that.”

  I didn’t need to open my eyes to know what Fynea was seeing. My control was nonexistent these days. All I wanted was for Amihanna to give me a chance. To talk to me. The nights she did, they were everything. At least I got to do something to help her.

  “Come in there with me,” I said. “I’d like your thoughts on how Seri managed to get through the—”

  I froze as a warm tingling ran up my arms. My fao’ana lit, and I knew it wasn’t me on the edge of losing control.

  My wrist unit buzzed, and I read the message from Eshrin. I clicked another message and read the transcript of what she was saying now. It was as if my heart had been ejected into deep space, and my body was floating away into nothingness.

  “What is it? What’s happened?” Fynea asked, but it sounded like she was light-years away.

  Goddess help me. I was trying, but I was doing everything wrong.

  “Tell Solan to get Seri here. I’ll be back.”

  I took off running, and I heard Fynea ask a question, but I didn’t hear the words.

  Goddess take it all.

  How could I have been so stupid?

  How did I not understand my own shalshasa?

  How could I ever think that locking Amihanna up would be a good idea?

  Her anger was building and her sorrow was brewing and I wasn’t sure which was worse.

  This was my fault. All of it. And if anyone in that bunker died today, that would be my fault, too.

  Chapter Twenty

  AMIHANNA

  I paced back and forth. Back and forth.

  This wasn’t a jail cell. My mother was in here with me. Roan was in here with me. Eshrin and my guards were in here, too. The walls weren’t decorated with shit and vomit and blood. It wasn’t the same as the jail cell I’d been in before, but it felt the same.

  The walls were closing in, and I paced back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.

  I was breathing. I was moving. I was living, but I’d been here before. My house had been bombed before. I’d lived through years of hiding in fear and running from place to place, but this is where it started. One bombing.

  Was it happening again?

  Could I live through it again?

  I definitely didn’t think I could hide again, even if my face wasn’t plastered over every news outlet across the universe.

  I passed the couch and tables and sitting area with vidscreens. I hit the wall twenty feet away and spun right. Thirty feet to the kitchenette. I kept walking down the narrow hallway with three rooms. And then I spun back around. Pacing all the way to the exit door.

  Eshrin, Komae, and another guard I didn’t really know were here, but the rest of the guards were searching for any signs of another attack. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been down here—every second trapped felt like minutes—but I wasn’t going to be able to stay here for long.

  My vision blurred along the edges as I tried to pace faster than the thoughts that moved through my mind.

  This could be a one-off attack, but I’d heard what they said about me on the news today. This wasn’t an anti-halfer or an anti-Earther plot. This was an anti-Amihanna plot. They wanted me gone.

  It’d been bad enough when SpaceTech and the Earthers targeted us, but to have the focus on just me was entirely different.

  I’d promised two days ago that I’d stay, and now I might have to break it. Because I couldn’t stay on Sel’Ani when everyone wanted me gone.

  I wasn’t going to risk my life to fight in a war for people who wanted me dead.

  And they’d made it pretty fucking clear that they wanted me dead today.

  I couldn’t wrap my mind around that. To truly, personally want someone dead? Only one person held that honor in my mind, but Jason Murtagh deserved my hatred. He’d earned it the second he put his hands on me. The second he threw me into jail. The second he tried to have me killed on Abaddon.

  I paced faster as I tried to shove the burning anger deep, deep, deep inside of me, but it wasn’t working.

  This wasn’t working.

  I had done nothing to the Aunare to warrant such hatred. I’d beaten their hardest test and proven myself worthy of ruling. I opened myself up. I’d exposed my pain, my past. And that had them coming after me?

  Fuck that.

  Fuck them.

  They bombed my room. As far as I was concerned, they could rot in their war against SpaceTech.

  I would take a ship and leave.

  I would leave. Now. Today. As soon as I could. As soon as someone let me out of this fucking jail.

  I paced faster as I thought about where I’d run. Where I could make a home. Where I could find some peace.

  I couldn’t go back to Earth, but there were thousands of other planets out there that wouldn’t care or even notice that I was there. Planets not controlled by SpaceTech or the Aunare. I’d live the quiet life that Roan and I always talked about. We could grow our own food and—

  “Amihanna.” My mother’s voice cut through my thoughts.

  I couldn’t stop pacing. I couldn’t stop moving. I needed to do something or else I’d feel like the walls were closing in on me and I wouldn’t be able to breathe anymore and if I couldn’t breathe then I couldn’t control—

  “Amihanna di Aetes! Stop it right now!”

  “What?” I spun to my mom.

  “Your fao’ana, mija.” My mom stood there wringing her hands, and my heart sank.

  Mom had adjusted to Sel’Ani so nicely, and I’d been jealous of it. But now that familiar fear and worry that used to weigh her down was back. The kind of fear that made her wring her hands to cover up how much they were shaking. “You have to be careful.” Her words held a soft urgency to them.

  I looked down to see my skin glowing and the fao’ana flickering, and I knew she was right. I had to calm down. I couldn’t afford to lose control. But I couldn’t stand being trapped.

  I’d been trapped in too many places while we were on the run. And then jail. And then the two weeks inside that stupid cryo chamber.

  “Please. Just breathe. This isn’t like before. I know you’re scared, but we will be okay. We always were. We survived so much worse.” She motioned to the couch. “Just please, relax. Sit down.”

  I wanted to ask her how she could tell me to relax when our house had been bombed. Again. But I knew she was reliving some of the past, too. Her skin was pale, and her eyes were a little too open, too alert. We’d been in enough tight s
pots to know exactly how fear looked on each other.

  “Sorry, Mom.” She wanted me to stop. I’d stop. Because she was right. We always came out okay.

  I walked to one of the walls and leaned against it, sliding down to sit. I hugged my legs in and rested my forehead on my knees. And I tried to breathe.

  Someone stopped next to me. “I need space.” I looked up to see Roan standing over me. He was the one person I couldn’t tell to go away.

  His hair was poofed, and he was frowning. Some of my anger seeped out as I watched him squat beside me.

  “Hey,” he said. The word was drawn out a little, and his voice was soft and patient. It was the same tone he used whenever we found a child that was hurt or hungry or abandoned on our patrols. The one he used to keep from scaring them away. “You’re kinda freaking us out.”

  I knew he wasn’t judging me for freaking out, but the urge to defend my reaction rose up anyway. “I’ve been here before. I’ve had my house bombed before. And nothing good happens after. Being stuck down here…it’s the quickest way to die. I don’t like being trapped. I need to go. I need to run. I can’t do this again, Roan. I don’t have it in me.”

  He put his hand on my shoulder, and I shook it off. “Don’t touch me. I’m not safe.” The fao’ana flickered as if to warn him off.

  “You’d never hurt me. Your head’s really iced to shit if you don’t understand that anymore.” He moved to sit against the wall next to me and stretched out his legs. “They’re just checking the house and finding out how the bomb got into your room. As soon as it’s cleared, we’re out of here. Okay?”

  “Okay. Okay. I just…” My voice was going to break, and I couldn’t have that. I cleared my throat. “This isn’t going to work.”

  “What’s not?”

  “Me being here.” I sighed. “It’s like I was saying before the bomb. It was surprisingly well timed. I don’t have a job. I don’t have a purpose. People hate me. Why am I still here, Roan? What are we doing here?”

  “Come on. We just got here, and—”

  No. I wasn’t giving them a pass on this. “I went to the tournament. I passed their stupid test. I…” None of that mattered. Thinking about it just bummed me out. I leaned my head back against the wall. “You know what I was just thinking about?”

  “What?”

  “About how we were saving money to go to one of those colonies and live in the country and grow our own food. Remember how we got all those books on gardening when we were like fourteen?” I remembered sneaking in through a broken window in an abandoned building and the smell hitting me first. Signs of decades of people squatting in the building were everywhere—garbage and waste from humans with no hope—and almost had us turning right back around, but Roan double-dared me to keep going. We were gagging and laughing like maniacs by the time we figured out what it was.

  A library.

  Most of the books were piled on the floors. It took us a couple of trips to figure out how they were organized and find anything good. We’d thought we won some big prize—a key to making a life somewhere—when we found those stupid books.

  Roan laughed. “What the hell were we going to do with a bunch of gardening books in the ABQ? Dry ass desert and concrete. Enough pollution in the air to drown any half-assed plant. Dumbass kids.”

  “Maybe, but don’t you think life would be simpler if we lived somewhere else and grew our food? I think I remember enough of it. We could go to one of those mostly uninhabited planets. Maybe in the far reaches of the Sinian System. If we got away from the war, maybe we’d have a shot at living past twenty-five.”

  “You really think you could walk away?” His tone told me that he didn’t believe it for a second, and I wasn’t sure I did either.

  “I don’t know.” Could I leave? Could I ignore the fight that was ahead? “I don’t know, but I think it’s stupid to stay. It doesn’t make sense on so many levels. Especially after this morning. Am I staying just because of a guy? Because that would be really dumb.”

  “Nah. He’s part of it, but…this is your home. Whether you remember it or not. And it’s a good home. Fucking fancy as hell.”

  Roan elbowed me, and I laughed. “I guess.”

  “You’re just used to running. You always had those go-bags stashed everywhere.” Roan bumped my shoulder. “I bet you have one in your room right now.”

  I couldn’t help the wince. He was right. I had one in my closet, and another hidden in one of the bathrooms near the gym. Running was my MO.

  He scooted away from the wall to look at me. “You do, don’t you?”

  I sighed.

  “More than one?”

  “I do, but—”

  “See? You’re not trying to make a life here if you’re already halfway out the door.”

  That might be easy for him to say. They weren’t eviscerating him on the news. “They bombed my room, Roan. They bombed. My. Room.”

  “Mija, please.” My mother walked over to us. The fear was fading, but now her arms were on her hips, her usual stance when she was ready to dive into an argument. “You can’t put the blame of the bombing on all the Aunare. It’s not as one-sided as that.”

  “I’ve been watching the news for nearly a month, and exactly no one has said they want me to marry Lorne or rule in any capacity.”

  “That’s not true.” Eshrin stepped forward. “I think you should rule.”

  Of course he did. “Thanks, Eshrin. That’s one Aunare vote from the man who signed up for this insane job of keeping me alive.” I rolled my eyes to emphasize my sarcasm. “You don’t count. You’re biased. And clearly Lorne doesn’t trust me for the job either.” Talking about it was helping to calm me though. My fao’ana wasn’t flickering anymore, and my skin was slightly dimmer. Not a vast improvement, but it was a start.

  Eshrin stepped toward me. “I’m sorry if you take offense, but why would you think that Lorne doesn’t trust you?”

  I held my arms wide as I looked around the room. “Do you see him in here?”

  “No, but—”

  I leaned forward. “My father?” I said softly. “Is he somewhere in this room?”

  “No.”

  “Oh. I get it then.” I rested against the wall. “It’s because I’m a girl? That’s why you locked me up? Because women are less than men in your culture.”

  “No!” Eshrin’s mouth dropped open, and I knew I’d struck a nerve. “No. Not at all. We believe in—”

  Eshrin was totally missing my point. “If you and Lorne and my father really wanted me to rule, then the best way to show that is to lock me up without any information or warning or choice? Is that what people who make decisions do?”

  Eshrin was quiet then.

  “That’s my point. I should be getting intel on who did this and why. I should be with them as they figure out how it happened and interrogate whoever did it. But I’m not. I’m here. Locked up. Shoved aside. That’s not what leaders do. Unless you’re seeing something I’m not.”

  “I see your point,” Eshrin said.

  I glanced at my mother, but she couldn’t look me in the eyes.

  “Exactly.” I stood up, unable to sit still when the anger was boiling up again. “I’ve been caged a lot of ways the last thirteen years, ending with my lovely prison stay. And I’m done. I refuse—refuse—to be put in a cage again. So, if that’s the best everyone can do, then I’m leaving. I mean, maybe I could stick around to see if anyone might change their mind about me. Maybe you and Lorne and my father could convince me to give the Aunare a shot, but if none of you see how wrong this situation is—” I motioned around the room. “Then I have a big problem that I don’t see a way through. I can’t lead if literally no one sees me as a leader.”

  Eshrin stood tall—skin glowing, his fao’ana bright, his hand braced on his faksano at his hip. “We need you to stay. To fight. We won’t win without you.”

  “Please tell me how can I do anything if I’m locked up, Eshrin? You going t
o unlock the door for me now?” But I knew the answer. He’d been ordered by my father and Lorne not to let me out.

  I wanted to laugh and scream and kick the door down. I wanted to hit or break or smash something, but there wasn’t anything in here that I could destroy. Because nothing in here mattered. It wouldn’t change anything.

  Anger was pushing me to move, but there was nowhere to go. Nothing for me to do.

  Eshrin looked at his fellow guards as if hoping they could give him an answer, but there wasn’t a defense or argument to be made when I was right. I knew it. And now, Eshrin understood.

  “I know you’ve got orders, but I need you to get on that wrist unit and tell Lorne to let me out of here. If whoever is after me now wants another go at me, then they can try it. I’m pretty hard to kill, but I honestly don’t care if I die—”

  The door slid open. “Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” Lorne’s skin was bright, and he was breathing hard, which meant he had been running as fast as he could to get here.

  “How long did you think you could keep me locked up?”

  “I’m sorry,” he said, but he didn’t seem that sorry to me.

  Asshole. “Don’t you dare I’m-sorry me.” I strode to him and gave him an unfriendly shove. “What the hell was this?”

  He started to talk, but I wasn’t hearing it. I wasn’t going to listen to anything he had to say. Not while I was still in here. I was too mad to hear anything but the ringing in my ears. My fao’ana started going crazy, and I knew it was past time for me to get out of here.

  I pushed past him and started through the tunnels. I had no clue where we were going or what was happening when we came down here. It wasn’t until we got to the bunker that I realized that I was trapping myself. It wasn’t a mistake I’d make again.

  “Amihanna.”

  Lorne’s voice tugged at me, but I ignored it. I was getting the hell out of here.

  “Amihanna, wait.”

  He was using his voice on me. Now? After this?

  “No, you wait!” I spun at him and jabbed my finger in his chest. “You begged me to stay here. I assume you want me to marry you.”