Off Balance Read online

  “A lot. We ran a lot before I met you. I lived on the streets. Stole food. Lied. Fought off pervs from my mother. From myself. Dug food out of dumpsters.” My voice grew louder as the memories surfaced. “We did whatever we had to do to stay alive before we met Jorge, and now I’m supposed to forget everything that happened and become his queen? Me? Do you think I’m that person? A halfer they hate? In what universe is that a good idea?”

  “I think you’d make a great queen.”

  I stared at him as if he was telling me that planets were flat. “You’re insane,” I yelled at him.

  “No. I’m not. Yes, I’m biased because I’m your best friend. But, no, I don’t agree with you.” He was yelling now, too. “As your best friend, it’s my job to tell you when you’re wrong. And I know you, Am. I know you.” He shoved me back into the half-wall. “You might feel lost, but I see you in there.” He tapped my forehead. “You’re the smartest person I’ve ever met, and I know your heart. And you would be the best queen. I agree with Lorne on this one. You were born for this.”

  My heart was pounding, and I’d never been so mad at Roan. He was so full of it. How could he not see? “You’re wrong. The girl Lorne and my father were training for this job—the one who was meant to be queen—died a long time ago. I’m not her. I can’t pretend to be her. I won’t be her. I can’t fight a war for people who hate me. And I can’t fight against a world of people that I used to patrol every night trying to protect. I can’t do it. I can’t do it!”

  “Amihanna?” Lorne’s voice drew my attention, and I remembered that we weren’t alone.

  Ahiga and Declan were there, too. Lorne’s guards.

  Roan shoved me, and I focused on him again.

  “Why? Be honest with me and tell me why!”

  “Do you think I belong here? In this mansion? This estate? I’m more comfortable starving on the streets than here. That’s my normal.” But it was too late now. I couldn’t stop. “But the more I talk to Lorne, the more I want to think that I can. To be the queen he wants me to be. To fight the war. To be with him. But I’m still not her! Most days, I don’t even know who I am anymore or what name I’m supposed to answer to!”

  My fao’ana flickered and stuttered.

  “Amihanna!” Lorne yelled.

  Roan waved his hand at Lorne, who I was ignoring. He didn’t exist right now. This was a private conversation between Roan and me. No matter how loud it was.

  “You know exactly who you are, but you’re too scared to see it. Is it the job or the war or the man that’s scaring you?” Roan asked.

  “Are you kidding? All three!”

  “Amihanna!” Lorne was worked up about something. His voice was right behind me, and his hand clamped on my shoulder. “Breathe! Please!”

  I knew whatever Lorne needed was important, but Roan was important, too. I tried to forget that he was there and focused on Roan. “I’m tied to Lorne, and the more time I spend with him, the worse it gets.” That wasn’t exactly accurate, but I couldn’t quite put into words how I felt about him. “All I know is that I keep getting the feeling that shit is about to go down, and I want to run. I want to hide. But I don’t think I’ll ever get to do that anymore. My life is over. It’s done.”

  Lorne’s arms wrapped around my shoulders, and he pulled my back tight against him—as close as he could with the wall between us.

  I didn’t really care if he heard. He knew. He saw everything in me.

  “No, babe.” Roan took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Your days of hiding are over. Everyone knows your face. Everyone knows everything about you.” His voice was softer now. Heavy with the weight of his words.

  He touched my face and wiped my cheeks.

  Tears? I was crying?

  I pushed his hand away and roughly brushed my tears. The wetness on my fingers killed the fight inside me. The glow of my skin and my fao’ana stuttered out and died.

  Oh shit. My fao’ana.

  I turned around to Lorne, and he shook his head at me. “You have to be careful.”

  Shit. Just shit. “Sorry. I didn’t know they were—”

  “I know. That’s why I came to help balance you, even if I was intruding on your very quiet conversation.”

  I laughed at his sarcastic tone and stepped away from him.

  Lorne brushed a kiss on my forehead and walked back to grab the practice faksano that he’d dropped.

  I needed to do better. I needed to watch my anger, but I knew no matter what, I would never, ever hurt Roan. I loved him too much. At least I had that much control.

  Roan moved to stand next to me, leaning against the wall. “Have you thought that maybe being with him would fix everything?” This time he whispered, but it was too late. He’d heard everything.

  Lorne had heard everything.

  In the moment, I didn’t mind him hearing, but now I wondered what I said and if he was upset. I watched him to see if he was mad, but he looked over at me. From the funny face he made with his tongue sticking out, I knew he thought I was being silly.

  I turned back to Roan. I didn’t feel like I was being silly, though.

  “I don’t need some guy to fix me. Even Lorne.” I was back to whispering, although I guessed it didn’t matter. “He’s too good for me.”

  “Am. Come on. You don’t really think that. Do you?”

  But I didn’t just think it. I knew it. Everyone knew it, too. The only people who disagreed were my family and friends, and they were biased. “I’m already spending every night with him. I want to be able to fix myself.” Ice it all. “I need…I don’t know what I need anymore. I feel like I’m trying everything, and nothing is really working.”

  “Okay. Okay. I understand, but it might just take time to get used to everything here. I mean, this life is epically different than our life in the ABQ.” He was quiet for a moment, and then he gave me a solemn nod—something so uncharacteristic for Roan. “I have an idea. I’ll be back.” He walked over to Lorne and his guards. I could hear them whispering quietly and ignored them.

  Roan and Lorne had become close over the past few weeks. I shouldn’t have been surprised—Roan was so damned easy to get along with—but I was. The two of them couldn’t have been more different. Lorne was patient and understanding. He had this calmness to him that settled me down. But Roan was all speedy energy and optimism.

  After a minute, Roan walked back over to me, his steps their usual heavy bounce. Lorne followed beside him. His long, graceful stride and lazy grin made me feel like I was back in Jesmesha’s magic dome, falling through space again. But this time, I didn’t mind it so much. This time I wanted to soak up the ride.

  “How much did you hear?” It was silly to hope, but I had to ask.

  “Oh, you mean when you were yelling?” Lorne asked.

  I winced.

  “Everything. I heard everything. Because you were yelling.” He tried to stifle a laugh but failed. Apparently, he thought he was pretty funny today. “But you know it wouldn’t be so bad being queen. We’d be ruling together, as a team. You might even enjoy it.”

  I looked into his aquamarine gaze. “Liar.”

  “I’m not, but you need a break. It’s been a little over a week since you saw the High Priestess, and you said you’d get out of here. You said you’d show yourself. And we said three hours and you’re over that now. You’ve gone over every day. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

  Right. I guessed I had agreed to both those things.

  “You can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. That’s insanity. So, it’s a good thing Roan’s got something lined up for the rest of your day.”

  Roan rubbed his hands together. “I’m breaking you out of here.”

  Oh no. I had a terrible feeling about this. “Where are we going?”

  “There’s an event happening this afternoon,” Lorne said. “I was supposed to attend with my father, but instead, we’re having a meeting. I’ll
be taking the crown in the next day or two. This meeting will be one of the last steps to that end, but that means I can’t attend anymore. But you can.”

  “What kind of an event?” I didn’t want to go if I had to put on a dress. I wasn’t in that kind of a mood today—or ever, really.

  “It’s a tournament of sorts. The final testing for the royal armed forces. You’ll have the royal box in Ta’shena’s arena to yourself, and I think you’ll enjoy it.”

  I wasn’t sure. An arena sounded like a big event.

  “You need to get out,” Roan said. “You’re not in survival mode anymore, but that hasn’t kicked in yet. A day off—pure relaxation—is what you need, and you love watching fights. This will be kinda like that. Total ice.” Roan started to smile. “Say yee-eees.” He sang the word at me.

  Roan only got this way when he was really excited about something, and that usually meant trouble. “No.” I looked at Lorne. “I don’t trust Roan right now. Look at him. He’s going to get me into trouble.”

  “I’m okay with you getting into a little trouble.” Lorne’s grin grew so big that I had to bite back my own.

  Damn it. “Okay. Fine. But I need a shower and food before I go anywhere. And someone has to deal with Declan.”

  “Done,” Roan said a little too quickly. “And I already dealt with Declan.”

  “And he didn’t put up a fight? He usually gets pissed when I cut out of training early.”

  “Declan isn’t your keeper,” Lorne said. “We’ve been over this, but yes, he’s fine. I think he wants to go with you to the arena. All right?”

  “Okay.” I looked at Roan. “I guess we’re heading out.”

  Roan tugged on my hand, pulling me toward the door. “Come on. Let’s go, but you really need a shower. That’s non-negotiable. You reek.”

  I shoved him, laughing. “Okay. My room? Half an hour?” Now that he put the idea into my head, getting away sounded amazing. I was nervous about leaving the estate, but I needed a change of scenery. Badly.

  “Frosty, babe. Thirty minutes and I’m dragging your ass out of here. Let’s grab food from Plarsha on the way to our rooms.”

  Roan’s energy was infectious. Sure, we’d just screamed at each other, but that’s what best friends did. At the end of the day, he had my back, and I had his. If I were a betting girl—which I wasn’t—I would put my money on today being epic.

  I really, really needed it to be epic. I wasn’t sure I could handle one more disaster in my life.

  I followed my best friend out of the room, but I couldn’t help but look over my shoulder at Lorne.

  Declan, Ahiga, and Lorne’s guard were still there, but all I could see was Lorne.

  He was standing there, watching me as if he were letting me know that he was still there. Waiting for more from me. All I had to do was reach out anytime, and he’d be there.

  And I knew that. I did. I just wanted to be sure before I really agreed to anything more. Because if I wasn’t careful, I’d lose the last little bits of myself in him before I figured out who I was.

  Chapter Fifteen

  AMIHANNA

  We were on our way to the arena before I could think too hard about what I’d agreed to do. I couldn’t believe I was heading to some big Aunare event, let alone somehow representing the royal family. But I’d promised to get out, so that’s what I was doing.

  The ship was from my father’s personal fleet—which seemed insane to me. My father had his own personal fleet of fancy Aunare ships, while I’d been on Earth scraping together every cent I could to buy one crappy ship.

  Everything in my life had changed—everything—and I wanted to flip a switch and magically adjust to my new life, but if such a switch existed in me, I couldn’t find it.

  Still, the ship was roomy, but the pilot told me that it was still just a short-range travel ship. No weapons were on board, but they didn’t need any. Not on Sel’Ani. It was mostly a peaceful planet set well within their territory.

  There were twenty seats on the ship’s bridge—four rows of five seats each—all facing the ship’s massive view screen, making it by far the biggest Aunare ship I’d been on. Behind all the rows of seats was a desk similar to the one on Lorne’s ship with a pilot chair—currently occupied. Some of my guards were leaning against the back walls, including Eshrin and Komae. The rest were seated in the back row. The exit was behind the pilot, and my guards were always my shield. Even if it was extremely unlikely that someone would raid the ship.

  I sat in one of the comfy seats in the front row. Roan was in the seat next to me, with Declan and Ahiga next to him. They were chatting, but I wasn’t paying attention to anything except the large, curving screen in front of us.

  As we approached the capital city—Ta’shena—I leaned forward in my seat. The spires of the sleek buildings rose high in the sky. There weren’t a ton of tall ones, but the tallest was a beautiful, twisting piece of art that almost looked like a goddess reaching up into the clouds. Shorter buildings were scattered below it, bordered by parks with yellow, pink, and green trees mixed among well-trimmed fields.

  It seemed so different than the towering concrete and metal buildings built nearly on top of each other on Earth. There was room to breathe between the buildings on Sel’Ani, none too high, none too wide, all works of art. There was no smog or haze in the sky. Large, low planets hung against the horizon instead of the tiny, lonely Earth moon I was used to. And then there were the suns giving everything a light rosy tint.

  Small, short-range ships flew around the buildings without the use of any traffic lights or signals or any way to organize the chaos. Yet, everyone seemed to know where they were going. No ships came close to crashing. If I could hear what was going on outside, I’d be surprised if I heard anything like horns honking. For all the crowds of people walking on the streets below, it didn’t have the chaos of Albuquerque.

  The images of Ta’shena that I’d seen hadn’t quite captured the scale. The city was beautiful and majestic, but still, I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel at home here.

  I looked down the row of seats and wondered if they felt as mixed about the city as I did. We were all Earthers. They wouldn’t judge me for asking or for feeling how I did, but I couldn’t quite form the question. I didn’t want to know if it was just me who felt displaced, especially when this trip was supposed to cheer me up. Roan was so excited about it that I could almost feel him vibrating, and I didn’t want to ruin that for him.

  The pilot started speaking over the com in Aunare, and I didn’t understand a word of it. For a second, I’d thought about bringing my translator, but if we were out somewhere and there were people talking shit about me, I didn’t want to hear it. Not after that disaster of a party. Ignorance was bliss. And I needed to find just a little sliver of bliss today. Desperately.

  Declan, the guards, and the pilot were all bilingual, and Ahiga spoke some. Plus, Roan was learning more every day. I decided I could take a real break from paying attention to what everyone thought about me.

  What was wrong with me? When did I ever care about what someone thought about me?

  On Earth, I didn’t want anyone thinking about me too hard because I was in hiding. But why was I worried about the Aunare’s approval now?

  Maybe I should stop watching the news, too. Maybe that was part of the problem. I was getting too caught up in what they were saying instead of living my life. That needed to change.

  The pilot landed on the roof of a wide but short building, and the guards exited to do their security check, but I was watching the horizon. There seemed to be a lot of ships coming past the arena, and I wondered exactly what I was getting myself into.

  “Are you ready?” Eshrin was close, but I hadn’t heard him approach. His eyes were a light gray today, almost silver, and they stood out against his dark skin. His shirt had no sleeves, baring his glowing arms with the fao’ana running down them.

  Something about the way he was standing—with his fao’
ana burning brighter than I’d seen before—set my nerves on edge. It was as if he was about to wade into a fight. “I probably should’ve asked this before, but will it be dangerous at the arena? I usually only see a few of you at a time, but it looks like you’ve brought everyone along. And you’re looking ready to do battle.” I pointed to his arms.

  “Since you’ve refused all events and speaking engagements so far, no one will even expect you here. But it will be crowded, and I’d rather have too many of your guards with me than too few. Besides, I’m always prepared to fight when I’m on duty. Especially in public.”

  That made me feel a little better. “Then it’s safe?”

  “You’re as safe as you can be given who you are, but I can’t promise that nothing will happen.” He considered me for a second. “If I tell you to leave, then you leave. If I tell you to run, you run. But the royal box has an escape tunnel. So, even if everything goes horribly—which it won’t—you’ll still be okay.”

  “Stop overthinking it.” Roan pulled me out of my seat. “Come on. This will be fun.” Roan tugged my arm, dragging me toward the back of the ship.

  I wasn’t sure I was going to have fun, but at least this was something different. I needed that. “Fine, but if it sucks, we leave.” I followed my guards out of the ship.

  Eshrin walked beside me. One hand on the faksano hanging at his hip. “The ship will stay here in case we need a quick getaway.”

  Quick getaway? “I thought you just said this was safe.”

  “I like to be prepared for anything, which will hopefully give you the freedom to relax and have fun.” He gave me a quick wink. “And today I get to actually do my job. A job that I’m very fond of.”

  “See? Stop worrying. Everyone’s stoked to be here. We’re all safe. It’ll be made of pure frost, babe.” Roan hooked his arm through mine. He was bouncing so much when he walked that he was hopping. I almost laughed at him, but instead, I hoped that he could pull me along with his good mood.

  We paused in front of a set of doors. One of my guards pressed his hand to the panel beside it, and then the door slid open, revealing a set of stairs.