Off Balance Page 16

  I felt like giggling, but I had to maintain some sort of sanity. I swallowed it down. “Well, she said she aligned my frequencies and fixed my fao’ana.”

  “And your memories?”

  “She thinks those might be gone forever.”

  His smile shattered, and he dropped his head back. “Oh.”

  I knew he’d be upset by the news, but I thought the fact that my fao’ana were clear and bright would counter all of that. “Why do I feel like I just broke your heart?”

  “I just…” He let out a long breath, and his jaw twitched, but he stayed there, looking at the sky.

  I grabbed his face in my hands and pulled it down. “We knew they were gone. Why are you upset?”

  I saw it then—the reason why he was looking away from me. He was crying.

  He squeezed his eyes shut.

  “I’m sorry.” I pulled him close, hugging him tight. “No one’s dying. They’re just memories. I’ll relearn what I need, and I’ll make new ones.” I was feeling a little panic at the sight of his tears. I wanted them to stop, but I didn’t know how to fix this. No one could fix this. Not even the High Priestess.

  I stepped back from him so I could see his face.

  He wiped his eyes. “I’m sorry. I just…I know they didn’t mean anything to you because you don’t have them anymore, but they were everything to me. No one is dying, but I’m losing you forever.” His voice broke a little, and I felt his heart shattering as if it were my own.

  My eyes burned, and I felt my own tears falling, but I didn’t care. “I’m sorry. I…”

  He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I know we were just kids, but I miss my best friend. It wasn’t easy growing up. My father was…and then you were born, and everything was good. We were so happy.” Another tear slipped free. “And then you were gone, and everything was…horrible. It was horrible.”

  Plarsha had said it hadn’t been easy for him. I’d said that it was harder on me, but now I was wondering what happened while I was gone.

  “I just thought if you got your memories back, then maybe I could convince you to stay. To not leave me again. Maybe even help me rule. But that’s gone now.” He sniffled a little and let out a long sigh. “I thought it would be easy if I got you back. That if you were here, everything would be okay, and now I know it won’t ever be. Now, you’ll go back to Earth with Declan. That’s the home you know and remember. That’s the home you’ll fight for. And I’ll be scared for you again, and I’ll have to let you go, but I don’t think I can do it a second time. I know life isn’t always about getting what you want…So, that’s it then.”

  “This is it then,” I said the words, but they didn’t mean what his meant.

  This wasn’t over.

  Life isn’t about getting what you want, but sometimes—sometimes—it’s about getting what you need.

  Jesmesha told me that I’d have to make a choice sooner than I’d like. I didn’t realize she meant sooner as in today, now, immediately, but that’s what she meant.

  Declan was desperate for me to leave with him. He wanted me to go back to Earth and fight on the ground. Not because he loved me, but because he needed to use my abilities to ensure he would win.

  Lorne was desperate for me to stay, but not for me to fight. Not for me to be a queen or win the war. He wanted me to stay because he loved me. I’d been making it complicated, but it was that simple.

  Lorne loved me.

  That didn’t answer a lot of questions that hung in the distance between us, but it answered one. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to marry him. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be queen. But I could stay.

  I would stay.

  Lorne started to turn away from me, and I grabbed his arm to keep him from leaving. I wasn’t done yet.

  “I’m staying. I’m not going back to Earth.” I said the words quickly before I could change my mind. “At least not right now.”

  “What?” His voice was airy yet thick with emotion. “You’ll stay with me?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. I’m not promising that I’m marrying you or that I’ll be queen or anything else, but I’ll stay. Jesmesha said that I needed to try being Aunare for a while. To give it a shot, and I guess I haven’t been. I was too caught up in everything that happened to be able to see anything that could come next. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I guess I should stay long enough to figure it out.”

  He looked as if I had handed him everything, and I wasn’t sure I was. I didn’t want to get his hopes up that I’d rule with him, but I was staying.

  “Goddess.” He pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me. “If all I had to do was cry in front of you to get you to say you wouldn’t leave, I would’ve done it three weeks ago.”

  A surprised laugh slipped free, and I looked up at him. “I don’t know if it would’ve worked three weeks ago.”

  He smiled at me, and my heart warmed. “It was the night’s sleep then.”

  “Does it really matter what it was exactly?”

  “Yes,” he said immediately. “I have to know so that I can keep doing whatever it was so you don’t change your mind.”

  “I won’t change my mind. At least not for a while.”

  “Promise?” He held my face gently in his hands.

  “Promise.”

  “To Brakon Two.”

  “And Tylun Five.” The words slipped free before I could think. What did it even mean? “I…I don’t know…”

  Lorne pulled me against his chest, and I could hear his heart racing. “The memories are there. Somewhere.” He sighed. “Are you sure?”

  I hugged him tighter. “I’m sure I’m staying. I’m sure I’m not leaving you. The queen stuff? I don’t know. That seems like it’s such a long shot that I can’t even see its glimmer in the night sky. They hate me, Lorne.”

  “They don’t know what they want or need. You have the fao’ana to rule. They won’t hate you once they see them.” He sounded deadly serious.

  “You know that for sure?” I wanted to believe him, but I wasn’t sure he was right. I wasn’t sure he was seeing this accurately. “They hate me now, and that might not change. You have to come to terms with that.”

  “I won’t. Not ever.” He turned, pulling me with him back into the ship. “If they didn’t hate you? If they asked you to be their queen?”

  “Then maybe I’d consider it, but don’t get your hopes up.”

  “My hopes are already flying too high to be brought down by anything.” He stepped into the ship, and there was a chorus of cheers from the guards.

  I covered my face with my hands. “This is embarrassing. Why are they cheering?”

  “Your fao’ana are showing, and you agreed to stay. This is huge—not just to me, but to the Aunare. And they understand that better than most.” He pulled my hands from my face. “I won’t let you regret this. I know it’s a lot. Between the responsibilities of ruling and the guards and the fact that you’re always watched, I know it’s a lot to agree to stay. I love you so much, and I’ll be thankful for you every day of my life. I know you’re not promising yes to anything but staying—so don’t start arguing with me yet—but I’ve got a shot, and I’m taking it.”

  He sat in one of the chairs, and I took the one next to him.

  The door closed, and the ship lifted off the ground. I hadn’t been looking forward to meeting the High Priestess, but now I was really glad that I met her. She’d changed everything for me.

  We had a two-hour flight back to the estate, and plenty of time to figure out what we’d do next.

  I wanted to not think about that for a while, but I had to. “What are we going to do now?”

  Lorne pulled up the armrest between our seats and tugged me closer to him. “I have to get the throne. I have some meetings and boring things…”

  Boring things sounded…boring. “But what am I supposed to do? How do I be more Aunare?” I curled up in the seat and twisted sideways so that I could look at him.

>   “You just have to be who you are.” He brushed his hand over my hair. “If you want to train with Declan until he goes, you can. If you want to train with me—”

  “I don’t want to train with Declan anymore. Not after what happened today.” I was still too angry with Declan, but I wasn’t sure there was another option. “But you don’t have time. You have meetings and boring things and a throne to take.”

  He held my hand. “I would make the time for you, and you don’t need to train twenty hours a day. That was absurd. Please stop that.”

  I chewed on my lip as I thought about it, but it didn’t make sense. Not when there was another option that had a lot fewer things eating up his schedule. “I’ll work with Declan until he leaves, but maybe if he’s messing up the lesson, you could come help?” Learning to use the climbing wall with Lorne had been really fun.

  “All right. That’s what we’ll do then, but I’m limiting it to two—”

  “Five.”

  “Three hours a day, and Eshrin will help, too. And you need to get out of the estate. Go into Ta’shena. Have fun with Roan, but take your guards. Our people need to see you. They can’t accept what they don’t know.”

  “Okay.” Maybe he had a point. I could hang out with Roan. I’m sure we could figure out something to do. But what about when he started working? “What’s Roan going to do? Like for a job.”

  Lorne leaned back in his seat. “Why don’t you take him as your assistant?”

  “Don’t I need an Aunare to do that?”

  “Not necessarily.” He shrugged. “Roan adapts quickly. He’s picking up the Aunare language, and he has a translator in the meantime. He’ll learn the customs. I’ll have someone train him. But you’ll be more comfortable with him around than with an Aunare you don’t know. You need someone to help you coordinate wherever you go and help plan your schedule. Things will get busy.”

  “Busy?”

  “If you’re accepting your place in the Aunare world, then yes. Not bad busy as long as you have someone who can help act as a gatekeeper to everyone else. Someone who will protect your privacy and understand your needs.”

  Oh boy.

  “Don’t panic. Your mother was already planning more dinners and events for you. She has people she thinks you need to meet.”

  This was already too much. “And what do you think? What should I do?”

  “I think Roan will say yes to the ones you need to do and be able to say no to your mother to the ones you don’t. Not just anyone would be comfortable enough to say no to Elizabeth di Aetes for you.”

  Okay. Maybe that wasn’t so bad. “Roan then. Absolutely yes.”

  “Ask him. I bet he’ll say yes.” He tilted his head as he looked at me. “Anything else you’d like to get sorted now?”

  I covered my mouth as I yawned. “No. I think Jesmesha wore me out.”

  “She does that. You’ve had a major adjustment, and you’re probably feeling more from me than usual.”

  “I am.”

  “It’ll fade a bit, but then will come back slowly as we train. But for now, let’s have a nap.” He pushed a button on his seat, and it started to recline. “We both need one. It’s been a long three weeks.” He reached across my seat and pushed another button.

  My seat started reclining. “Three weeks? It’s been a long thirteen years.”

  Lorne tugged me until my head was resting on his chest. “Agree, but at least you’re sleeping with me now.”

  I elbowed him in the side, but I didn’t move. I didn’t want to move.

  I had a moment to think about how safe I felt to be held by Lorne before my eyes grew heavy and closed.

  Chapter Fourteen

  AMIHANNA

  The next week was busy. Roan agreed to be my assistant and then flipped out when Lorne told him how much money he was going to make. And then he’d screamed the number, and I flipped out. I’d never made that much money. I’d never even imagined making money with that many zeros, but the way that Lorne watched me—half-amused, half-sad—made me wonder what my bank account was like.

  I’d been too scared to ask about it. I knew from the size of my father’s estate and how many people he employed, he had to be loaded enough to buy three colony planets. But the money didn’t feel like it was mine. The estate had everything I needed—food to eat, clothes to wear, an extremely large roof over my head—so I didn’t really need to know the status of any bank accounts. Except it could be nice to have a little cash for my go-bag. But as each day passed, it was getting less and less likely that I’d ever need a go-bag. Now it only served as my safety blanket—one I wasn’t ready to let go of. At least not yet.

  Most days, I was still working out with Declan, but he wasn’t ranting as much about going back to Earth. We pretended like the day I hurt him hadn’t happened. Like everything hadn’t changed. But it had. Everything was changing.

  I hadn’t left the estate yet. I was mostly sticking to the three hours of gym time in the morning, and then Roan would list things for me to do after lunch. But nothing ever seemed appealing, and after a little while of roaming around the estate, I seemed to always end up back in the gym.

  But I spent every night with Lorne in his room. The first couple of nights, I slept twelve hours. But now I was getting a solid seven hours of sleep every night, and that was helping more than I thought it would. But even with that, my past was sneaking up on me. My nightmares were coming back more and more every night. Lorne would shake me free of them before they got really bad, but it was frustrating that they hadn’t gone away completely.

  Last night, I had the worst nightmare I’d had in a while. Lorne woke me up just in time for me to run to the bathroom to puke. It was the first time that had happened since I saw Jesmesha. Lorne had been sweet and calmed me down and even braided my hair to keep it out of my way, but I was left feeling hopeless.

  I thought Jesmesha fixed me, but if the nightmares were getting worse again, I wondered if maybe I couldn’t be fixed at all.

  So, I left Lorne’s room early and went to the gym. I was almost warmed up when Roan finally got there. It took us thirty minutes to really get going, and then I was in my groove. Time disappeared. I was flowing, my skin glowing, and the residual feeling of gloom from my nightmares started to burn away. And slowly, slowly, slowly, I entered a state of frenetic peace.

  I punched the pads Roan was holding, faster and faster. Pushing myself to move to my full ability, but I still held back. It was automatic with him. I’d been doing it for so long that I wasn’t sure I could let go fully. Not unless I was under extreme duress or emotionally charged. And now that I knew my fao’ana were particularly dangerous, I tried to make sure I never lost control. I would never forgive myself if I ever hurt him.

  Roan’s quick gasping breaths grew louder, and I stopped punching. “You okay?”

  “Tired.” His voice was airy. He was sucking in his breath as fast as he could. “Break.”

  “Okay. Sorry.” I wasn’t even breaking a sweat yet.

  “No. We’re okay. I’m okay. Don’t stress. About this.”

  I closed my eyes, praying that this restless feeling under my skin would go away, but now that I wasn’t moving, the slippery grasp I held onto my inner peace with slid through my fingers.

  I closed my eyes—breathing in for six, out for three, in for three—I tried to picture myself in Jesmesha’s dome. I tried to imagine the sirens floating away when I breathed out, but the sound of my suit’s alarms grew louder. Far away at first—barely audible over my inhales and exhales—it hung on the fringe of my consciousness. But with each breath, it grew louder.

  Why wasn’t this working? She said that I could find that inner peace inside me, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t there.

  The high pitched whomp-whomp-whomp crescendoed.

  A drop of sweat rolled down my hairline.

  I could smell sulfur and hear Tyler’s voice saying—You’re heading straight for me. Keep moving. And I could feel t
he heat from the lava that was burning—

  Roan smacked the pads together, and the noise jolted me.

  I jerked back a few steps, and my eyes opened wide.

  Not on Abaddon. Safe on Sel’Ani.

  “You okay?” Roan sounded concerned.

  I wasn’t sure, but I nodded anyway. “Fine. I’m fine.” I got sucked into my past for a second, but it was over. Done. Breathing through it wasn’t working today. I just needed to keep moving.

  His gaze narrowed. “Okay. Let’s go again.”

  “Are you sure?” He looked as tired as I was. “We can just wait for Dec—”

  “Have I ever had a problem telling you when I was done?” He sounded a little defensive.

  “No.” He always told me when he was done, but I still worried that I was leaning on him too hard. He was getting much more ripped than he had been on Earth. His arms were thicker, and he had abs. Not Lorne abs, but they were there. I knew because he was pretty damned pleased with himself and took off his shirt as often as possible to show everyone.

  But still, this was Roan, and he was an Earther. I had to be careful with him, even if he didn’t agree.

  “We’re best friends,” he said. “When I was short on rent, did you not come up with it? Even when it meant that you were near starving, eating one cup of noodles every other day for two weeks?”

  Oh man. That was low bringing that up. It wasn’t a big deal, and it was years ago. “Sure, but—”

  “When my sister got into trouble, did you not hunt down the guy who attacked her? Did you not get him thrown into jail after you kicked his ass?”

  I probably kicked his ass too hard, but then I thought of Maria’s bruised face and… “Yeah. Yeah, I did, but that’s not the same. You helped me out plenty of times, too. Hacking into the system to make sure my cover was good—”

  “That’s the point. We’re best friends. We take care of each other. You’re still glowing, but your fao’ana aren’t visible. If you want to keep at it, we’ll keep at it. I’ll tell you when I hit my wall. Hopefully, Declan will get here before that happens, and we can trade-off.”