Avoiding Alpha Read online

  “You ready?” Dastien asked.

  “Yeah.” I hoped so. I let down every barrier I had. “Meredith.”

  She moaned.

  “Show me your wolf.”

  I was in the field of bluebonnets again. The sun was brighter. It was earlier in the day. She was with her brother in human form. Meredith looked younger without her dyed hair, but she was definitely a teenager. She was wearing a flower printed dress—which was so nothing Meredith would ever wear.

  “You’re going to be fine. I’m going to shift, and you just follow my lead, okay?”

  “No, Max! Don’t—”

  Max laughed, and quicker than I could blink, he was on four legs with his clothes piled at his feet. He butted his head against her legs.

  “Cut it out.”

  When she went to push him away, he nipped her hand. “Ouch. You son of a bitch! That hurt!” And then fur rippled along her arms. Her change was slower than his. It took maybe five seconds instead of milliseconds.

  “Meredith! Show me where she is!”

  I knew my wolf hid in the center of myself. The first week I’d turned, Dastien taught me how to picture her and become more at one with that side of myself. He said most Weres inherently knew how to do that, but the whole having a wolf sharing your space was a bit of a game changer for me.

  I expected the bright light to blind me like last time. To see the image flare bright and then dim again, but it didn’t. Instead, the wolf in my vision turned to me, and plopped down on her bottom. She howled. It was so loud, I had to cover my ears.

  And then I was plunged into darkness. The field, flowers, and daylight were gone. I held out my hand in front of my face and couldn’t see it.

  A wolf whined, and I stepped toward it, waving my arms around trying to feel for it.

  I hit a soft mass, and fell over her. “Sorry,” I said as the wolf whined.

  Hope blossomed. I couldn’t believe I’d actually found her wolf. This might totally work.

  I still couldn’t see, but I felt around her. She was covered in chains. I pulled at them, but there was no way I could break them. They didn’t even budge.

  Okay. So this was it. I’d found her. Now I had to send my strength to Meredith’s wolf so she could grow stronger and break out of the cage.

  That would take alpha powers.

  I reached for my bond to Dastien and mentally tugged at it. Strength and power flowed into me. His focus and determination became my own.

  And then it hit me so hard that I felt like I was drowning. So much power.

  Before, when I’d been in Meredith’s room talking to Donovan, I hadn’t known what I was doing. I hadn’t been aware of the power rolling through me, but now I was. I could feel each wolf. The essence of everyone present.

  “You’re going to be fine, Meredith. Take what’s offered.” I closed my eyes, and pictured the energy flowing directly into her wolf. I harnessed the will to change. “Shift, Meredith.” I said, using all the power that I could. “Shift now.” I pulled on the chains around her wolf with the strength of the pack.

  Her hand jerked.

  I opened my eyes and found myself in the real world. She hadn’t shifted. I had to go back in. I gripped her hand in mine, holding tight, and I closed my eyes again.

  I was back in the darkness and felt the chains under my hands.

  Grabbing all the power I could, I pulled on them. “Chains, break!” I put some of my witchy powers into the words, forcing my will into them. It didn’t matter what I said, only the intention. I pictured them breaking and yanked again, and they creaked against each other.

  “Now. Meredith. Change now. Do it. Now!”

  The power was building. Burning through me like a fire in the depths of my soul. I pushed it toward her.

  I pulled on the chains. “Break. Now. Break.” They creaked again. “Change now! Do it now! Shift!”

  I alternated pushing alpha energy at Meredith and using witchcraft to weaken the chains.

  Howls echoed along the pack bonds. The wolves were all shifting, but Meredith wasn’t.

  I put my will and faith behind my words. “Break!” I tugged on the chains, and felt a link break. They were loosening.

  I grabbed more power from the pack. “Shift!” I was screaming now.

  Another link cracked, and the chains gave even more.

  “Shift now!” I yelled, pushing more alpha power.

  I heard Dastien’s howl through the bond. I wasn’t sure how I could distinguish his from the others, but I knew it was him. He’d shifted along with the others, which meant I was reaching the end of the line of power.

  More wolves howled.

  “Break! Chains break!” I pulled on the chains and they broke. I lost my balance and fell, sprawling on my back.

  White light blinded me.

  I opened my eyes, back in the real world.

  The white wolf from my vision sat in front of me. Meredith. She looked up to the sky and howled.

  Oh my God. I’d done it. Meredith was a wolf, and she was okay. She was really okay.

  Hot tears rolled down my cheeks as I laughed. “God. Took you forever, chica.”

  Wolf-Meredith whimpered.

  Thank God. She was okay.

  The fear for her melted away. I had a second to enjoy it before pain rolled through my limbs and another fear replaced it.

  I wasn’t okay.

  I screamed, trying to hold my shape, but I couldn’t.

  Fur rippled along my skin as my own wolf started to take over. My knees popped.

  Oh God. No. Not yet. I wasn’t ready.

  I squeezed my eyes shut as another ripple of pain moved through my muscles as they reformed.

  Dastien’s wolf nose touched the back of my neck, urging me to keep going.

  “No. I can’t.” My voice was gravelly. I fought against my wolf. Terror clawed along my spine. I wasn’t ready for this. I had two more days before I had to do this.

  I felt a strong alpha energy closing in fast. The rest of the wolves must’ve felt it, too because they started howling.

  It was too much. Too loud. I couldn’t fight it all.

  “Move out of the way,” Donovan said.

  Oh God. He was the Alpha I was feeling. He’d force my change. I couldn’t let him, but I was shaking from pain and the need to go furry.

  “Shift!” The command hit me with a force so strong, it took my breath away.

  The wolves howled as one.

  I groaned, but there was no stopping it. My strength was waning. “No. Please.” My muscles fought against me, but I was holding off the change. I screamed, stuck between forms.

  “You’re a damned stubborn one.” Donovan stood above me. His blue eyes bright. “You saved my mate, and I’ll not have you hurting like this. You listen to my command and you follow it. Do you understand?”

  “No. I can’t,” my voice was low and scratchy.

  “You will.” He put his hand on my forehead. “Shift now, Teresa Elizabeth McCaide.”

  So much power. So much force. I couldn’t fight it anymore.

  It was as if a dam inside me broke. My form was fluid. One second I was in pain, on the ground, struggling to maintain my sanity as my clothes were shredding. The next I was on my side and everything was calm. For the first time since I woke up at St. Ailbe’s, I felt completely at peace.

  My vision changed. It wasn’t in black and white, but it was muted. And my sense of smell. If I’d thought I could smell everything before, I could smell more now. Every little thing. The grass. The dirt. The bugs crawling between the two. I jumped up to my feet. All four of them. Weird. I stumbled for a second. And then turned to find Meredith.

  She was a beautiful white wolf. She sat with Donovan’s arms around her. “Why didn’t you tell me that this was the reason you refused me? We could’ve fixed this together. It didn’t have to be a no,” Donovan said to her. “God. I don’t think I’ve ever been so terrified. Never scare me like that again. Never. You
got me?”

  Meredith whimpered, and I laughed. It came out like a chuffing sound.

  I looked around the circle. The wolves were there. Watching. I howled, and they answered in unison.

  The pack bond wove through each of them. Some weaker than others. Some burning bright.

  Dastien howled twice, and the wolves scattered into the woods. Then he rubbed his side against mine and took off running.

  Where the hell was he going?

  I took off. Chasing him. I stumbled and tripped a bit before figuring out where my new shape was in space. My claws dug into the dirt as I moved.

  I got caught up in the new sensations of the world around me. It took me a bit to realize I’d totally lost Dastien.

  What the hell? Where did he go?

  I sat down and whined. This was bullshit.

  He crashed through the bushes at me, and I rolled. He motioned toward the ground with his nose, then took off.

  Oh. I was supposed to smell. Right.

  In my new form, my sense of smell was almost as good as my sight. I could tell how long it’d been since an animal had passed by, but since it was all new, I wasn’t sure what each scent was.

  As we ran and played, I got a sense of freedom. Occasionally I’d catch a whiff of something yum, but when I’d see it was a bunny or a bird, I’d leave it alone.

  I had a feeling if Dastien was alone, he would’ve made it his prey, but I wasn’t there yet. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be there.

  But Meredith was fine. I was fine.

  Hell, I was more than fine. I was a fucking wolf.

  After a little while, my stomach growled. Dastien gave his wolf-y laugh, and led me to a bush. A small black plastic bin was hidden under some leaves. He left me there.

  So I was supposed to change. How the hell did that happen? I went behind another bush and squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that I would magically turn back to human.

  Nope, still furry.

  Oh shit. I was stuck. I was going to be a wolf forever.

  Damn it. This was so not cool.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Dastien’s laughter echoed through the woods. He was hiccupping he was laughing so hard.

  Dude better watch himself. I had some nasty teeth in this form.

  His laughter died. I heard the sound of the plastic bin opening and something being unzipped. “You’re not stuck,” he said. “Just picture yourself in human form, and you’ll change.”

  Oh crap. Could he hear what I was thinking now?

  “Yeah.”

  Not cool.

  “Come on. It’s kind of cool.”

  Stalker. Creepo.

  “I’m not a creepo. I’m your mate. It’s like the visions though. You can block it whenever you want. You’re just shouting your thoughts really loudly right now.”

  He squatted beside me, now wearing a pair of gray sweatpants, and took my face in his hands. “Do it, Tess. Picture yourself on two feet and you will be.” He ran his hands through the fur along my sides and I pretty much started purring. “You pulled so much power, you’ve got to be starving. We could’ve hunted and stayed to play as wolves, but you didn’t want any of the rabbits.”

  I growled. I was really hungry, but biting into a bloody, furry bunny didn’t sound the least bit appealing.

  “Right. Let’s not forget where the meat you eat comes from.”

  He had a point, but I didn’t want to kill it myself. And bunnies were too cute to eat.

  He patted my side. “Come on. I’ll give you some space.” He put a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt on the ground beside me. “Do what I said. Don’t freak out. Don’t pick it apart. Do it.” He walked away to give me privacy.

  Fine. I was going to do it.

  I closed my eyes and pictured my hands. Five fingers. My arms. My legs. My feet. And suddenly I was me again.

  It went so fast, it didn’t even hurt. I patted my body to make sure everything was where it was supposed to be. No more fur. No more paws. Two arms, two legs. No tail. I really was me again. “Thank God.” I relaxed against the ground.

  “Are you dressed?”

  “No!” No, I wasn’t. “No peeking!”

  I pulled on the T-shirt and sweatpants. They were way too big. I was smaller than everyone at the school by at least half a foot. Even the girls. I rolled up the bottoms of the pants and tightened the drawstring.

  Before I could do anything, Dastien pressed me against the tree. “I’m so proud of you.”

  “I didn’t do it by myself.”

  “No. But you did it. And I’m glad you changed.”

  “Eh. It wasn’t so bad.”

  His answering grin made my legs weak. His dimples appeared, like magic, showing me how happy he was. He leaned in, brushing my lips softly with his before pulling away. “Je t’aime, cherie,” he said before kissing me deeply.

  We slid to the ground. I couldn’t take my eyes from him as I tried to catch my breath. I licked my lips and stared at him.

  God. He was way too hot. His abs. His long, muscular legs. His arms. Holy shit, his arms.

  I was addicted to him. Totally and completely.

  It occurred to me that he took great care of me, minus the whole biting thing, but what did I do for him? He balanced me. Brought me back whenever I was losing control. He was fun. He made me laugh and relax. He didn’t take anything too seriously, except for the Cazadores and the pack. And me.

  Dastien sat up on his elbows. “What is it?”

  I raised an eyebrow in question.

  “You blocked me when you changed forms, so I can’t read you. But I can still feel your emotions and you’re full of doubts. What are you thinking?”

  “Don’t make me say it. Just let me have a little privacy.” Man, he always wanted to talk about it. I could already tell he wasn’t going to let this one go.

  “No way. Not when you’re feeling like that.” He pulled me closer. “That’s why I like the walls down. So you don’t hide things from me.”

  My cheeks were on fire. “It’s nothing.” I hopped up, but he snatched my foot and I fell to the ground a few feet from him.

  I screeched—a very uncool sound—and tried to stop myself as he dragged me back to him. It was a lost cause, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to win anyhow.

  When I was close, he pounced on me, pinning me to the ground. “You sure you don’t want to tell me?”

  I nodded.

  His eyes flashed amber and he dug his fingers into my side, tickling me. I started convulsing with laughter.

  He stopped. “And now?”

  “No way. I’m not—”

  I was laughing again. Gasping for air. I threw my weight around, trying to get out from under him, but I was fully pinned. There would be no breaking free.

  “Now?”

  “No way.”

  He found the right spot, along my second rib. I don’t know why it was so damned ticklish there, but I couldn’t breathe I was laughing so hard. Tears rolled down my cheeks.

  “Uncle. Uncle!” I shouted when I thought I might pee my pants if he didn’t stop.

  He sat back on his heels and pulled me to sit. “And?”

  It took me a second to catch my breath. “I was just…” Damn it. I wiped my hands down my face, and tried to untangle my hair but it was a lost cause and I had no hair tie.

  Crap. This was beyond embarrassing. “I was wondering what our relationship did for you?”

  The surprised laugh that came from Dastien made me want to crawl in a deep dark hole. “You what?” He yell-laughed.

  I mumbled something incoherent and he laughed harder. It echoed through the woods and he fell on his back.

  Screw this. I was being serious and he was laughing at me. “You’re an ass.” I got up and kicked his side.

  Before I could turn to walk away, he snagged my foot again, and pulled me down on him. “You’re everything to me.”

  I tried to sit back, but he wouldn’t let me.

  “Please.
Just listen. Don’t think too much about it or worry or pick it apart like I know you do.”

  “I don’t do that.” It was a total lie.

  He brushed the hair back from my face as I stared down at him. “Yes, you do. I can feel your worry. I might not know exactly what you’re thinking right now, but I can feel you go into yourself and dissect everything.”

  Crap. This was only going to get worse when we finished the bond in two freaking days. I blew out a breath. “So why are you with me? Why did you pick me? You’re handsome and kind and thoughtful and giving and patient. And I’m just…I’m me.”

  He muttered something in French, but I poked him.

  “That sure sounds pretty, but I don’t understand a word of it.”

  “We’ll have to get you speaking French. It’s much easier to romance someone in a love language.” He pinched my nose. “You think I was like this with everyone?”

  “You were. When I first got here, everyone, especially the girls, thought I’d ruined their perfect Dastien.”

  “I’m not perfect.” He sighed. “I think you’ve built this up in your head and you’re not seeing yourself clearly. Or us clearly.”

  I rested my cheek on his chest. “I think it’s hard because I didn’t know you before. I only know you now.”

  “Hmm,” he said. His chest rumbled under me, and I relaxed. “I’ve said it before, that I was restless, but I guess no one else saw that. I wasn’t happy. I felt alone, and it put me on edge. Not because I was alone, I had friends, but because I had too much power. I didn’t have to listen to what Michael said. I didn’t have to obey anyone—except maybe Donovan and Sebastian.”

  He ran his hand lazily up and down my spine as he spoke. It made me want to purr with contentment. “For some, it might’ve been fun, but for me, that meant that I had to watch myself. I had to control my emotions. Everyone is responsible for their own actions, but as werewolves, there’s a bit of comfort knowing that while you’re trying to settle into your wolf, that someone is always above you and can keep you in check or help you when you feel out of control. I didn’t have that safety net.”

  I sat up to look him in the eyes. “But that’s not anything I can do for you.”

  “Yes, you can. You don’t realize the strength within you. Now that you’ve shifted, you’ll feel it more.”