Off Balance Read online

  I squeezed my eyes shut.

  “Are you okay?” Jesmesha sounded concerned, but I was more than a little freaked out.

  The room was spinning faster and faster, and with my eyes closed, it felt like the spinning had sped up. “No. I’m really dizzy, but I’m just lying here.”

  “Okay. Don’t panic. I wasn’t expecting this, but I didn’t realize you’d had implanted tech. I’m going to try to fix your fao’ana now, but it will be disorienting to do it this way.”

  “Fine.” I’d do anything if it’d make the dizziness go away.

  The loose stones crunched under her feet as she rushed away, and I started doing the Aunare breathing. Four in. Eight out. Eight in. Four out. Six in. But the faster I breathed, the faster it felt like I was spinning.

  There was a series of thunks as Jesmesha placed some objects around me, and then she walked in a circle, hitting the objects—they hummed. It was a haunting sound that vibrated inside my bones. I opened my eyes a little to see that she’d moved the bowls to circle me.

  “How are you doing?”

  I didn’t feel like I was spinning as fast, so that was good, but I wanted it to stop. “A little better,” I whispered, trying to not move.

  “Good. I’m going to open you up. Keep your eyes closed. When you hear the sound, you’re going to feel like you’re falling down through the floor. And once that passes, it’ll feel like something’s hooked you from inside your stomach and is pulling you up through your body. It’ll feel a little like you’re floating. But keep your eyes closed the whole time. You’re safe here. It would be…unsettling if you opened them.”

  Unsettling? She was starting to freak me out, but I was still feeling the room spin. If she could make this stop, I’d do whatever she said. “Okay.”

  “I’ll do it three times. Keep them closed.”

  “Okay.” I squeezed my eyes tight, a little scared, but I was in this deep. Lorne said to give her a try, and I’d told him I would. I wasn’t going to back down now.

  There was a rainlike noise, but it was loud. So loud. It was coming from behind my head and getting louder. It rushed over my body—from my head down to my feet—and it felt like I’d been swept away with the rain toward a cliff. And I was falling down, down, down.

  I couldn’t help it. I opened my eyes, and I screamed.

  I wasn’t in the dome anymore. I was in space. Floating, falling, with no direction.

  I was lost.

  “Jesmesha!”

  “I said keep them closed!”

  But it was too late. There was nothing under my body. No floor. No mat. No rocks. I couldn’t see the candles, but I saw stars flickering in the distance.

  I would’ve been pissed that I wasn’t wearing a top, but there was no one here to see me. No one floating in space with me.

  The noise came rushing back from my feet to my head, and my stomach bottomed out.

  I couldn’t breathe.

  What the hell was this?

  Something tugged me from under my belly button. Everything tingled like crazy, and then I was flying up, up, up.

  I saw a planet. It was blue and green and balls of swirling white. At first, I thought it was Earth. I thought it was home. But then I looked to the right, and I saw two more planets. Not from Earth’s system.

  From Sel’Ani’s.

  I tried to get to Sel’Ani, but how the hell was I supposed to land? I wasn’t on a ship. I didn’t have on a suit. I had no control.

  What was happening? Was I hallucinating? I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink since breakfast, but—

  “Holy shit. What is happening? Jesmesha! Did you drug me?” I heard my words, but they sounded so impossibly far away.

  “Stop that Earther thinking. You didn’t keep your eyes closed. That’s your fault. Round two.”

  The rain sound came again, and I thought I was prepared, but then I was falling and screaming, and my heart was racing so fast that I thought I was going to die.

  I dropped through Sel’Ani’s atmosphere, and I was falling on my back through the clouds. I tried to roll over, but I was moving too fast, and the air was rushing past my body.

  And then the sound rolled up my body, and I was yanked by something hooked inside me back up, up, up. This time when I hit the inky black, it felt amazing. I was gliding, flying, floating, free.

  “Round three.”

  This time I was ready. It felt like I was on a ship doing loops in zero-G as I fell, fell, fell. My very soul tumbling out of my body and falling through space and time.

  And before I had time to process, I felt the tug again. Everything rushed rushing back over me, and I was flying to chase after it.

  The roaring sound was like waves crashing and rain falling and a storm in my soul that filled every cell in my body.

  And then it was quiet. Too quiet. And it was so dark that I couldn’t see anything. I tried blinking, but that didn’t help.

  My bones were still tingling, and I could feel myself falling back into my body, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to go back yet. It had been so nice to be free.

  I heard a scratch and a poof, and then there was smoke wafting over me.

  After a minute, she spoke again. “Now. That’s much better, but it would’ve been easier if you’d done as I said.”

  There was a light in the shadows, and then all of a sudden, it was too bright. I squeezed my eyes closed.

  And then I felt the mat under my cheek, and I rose to see the room around me.

  I was still there. Still on my stomach. Still in the dome. Just me, the candles, and Jesmesha.

  There was a ringing in my ears, the dizziness was gone, but I didn’t feel any different.

  What the hell had just happened?

  Chapter Thirteen

  AMIHANNA

  Jesmesha was sitting on the poof beside me under the dark, domed ceiling. The candles flickered, and I waited for her to explain what she’d done. I wasn’t sure that anything was different, but I couldn’t explain what I experienced. Not in any way that made sense.

  “I know Lorne had hoped that I could bring your memories back,” she said finally. “But, unfortunately, I don’t think I can fix that part of you.”

  I inhaled a trembling breath and squeezed my eyes shut. I put my forehead on the mat. I hadn’t realized how much I wanted them back until she said it was impossible.

  “I’m sorry.”

  I heard the sorrow in her words, and I felt my own stupidity for thinking that this would work.

  “Please try to remember that the past isn’t important. You can’t change it, and you’re in a good spot now. You’re alive, safe, and free. Focus on the present. And when you feel like this life is too much, when the ghosts of your past are breathing down your neck, that’s when you need to breathe the most. That’s when you come back to this place. This space in the spiritual plane lives inside you now. You can visit it in your mind anywhere. Picture it and breathe. In for six. Out for three. In for three. Out for six. Until you feel like the weight is easier to bear.”

  I wanted to focus on the present, but it was a lot. Too much. I felt like I was on the verge of something, and it was terrifying.

  “The voices of hatred might be loud, but they are few. If you stop listening to the loud ones, you’ll start to hear the overwhelming cries of those who love you. Who need you. Not just Lorne and Roan and your parents. But the millions who need you to lead. Once you hear them, you’ll know what to do.”

  I swallowed. Millions. She wanted me to be queen? “I don’t know if I can do it.”

  “That’s what will make you great. Because you’re scared and nervous and worried that you’re not worthy, but you will do it anyway.” She squeezed my shoulder. “Life for everyone is hard. Every single being alive must face their problems. For some, it’s simpler. To move here or there. Fired from one job, what now? Stay where it’s safe or risk it all to have a chance at greatness. But yours is harder because so many will rely on you. Earthers a
nd Aunare.”

  No. “It’s too much pressure. I can’t—”

  “It won’t be, but let me show you why.” She said something in Aunare and music started playing.

  Instantly my skin started glowing. “What was that?”

  “That’s Lorne’s soul song. Technically, it’s a musical representation of the various frequencies that his soul resonates with. The readings were taken over various sessions with me. You two are the most balanced shalshasa that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. It’s sad what happened.”

  “Which part?” Over the last thirteen years, there’d been a lot to be sad about. She might be able to read minds, but I couldn’t.

  “That you were ever separated.” She moved to stand over me, one foot at each of my hips. “That wasn’t supposed to happen, but I see it here now.” She placed her hands on my shoulders and muttered something. Then she moved to the middle of my back, saying something else. Then to my low back. Then one on my shoulder and one on my hip.

  After a minute of this, she stood and stepped away.

  She said something, and the candles instantly snuffed out, but the light in the room didn’t go away. “All right. Here’s you.” She sat down next to me.

  I rose up just enough to see a holo representation of my back hovering in front of me, except my fao’ana were shining bright and clear. Just like they were when I was a kid. Was that really me? A mock-up? I wasn’t sure—

  “Look at your arms.”

  I looked down to see the fao’ana bright and clear. No flickering. Not shaded at all.

  There was a little relief at seeing them. Normal Aunare fao’ana. The news reporters would have a hard time arguing that I wasn’t Aunare now.

  I turned just a little, so I could see Jesmesha. “I don’t understand. I didn’t feel anything change.”

  “Well, I must’ve done something.” She gave me a small smile. “You were blocked, but I opened a path. Somewhere on your trip to the spiritual plane, I balanced and unblocked your frequencies. I can’t fix your memories, but this will help. Now, you can see your fao’ana.”

  “What do they mean?”

  “It’s your destiny.”

  “What is?” On my back, there were tons of glyphs. In the center of all the glyphs, there was a flame. And then there were more on my arms. They looked like any other Aunare’s fao’ana, but I didn’t know what each glyph meant.

  She got off her poof to stand next to the holo. “This area here is your early childhood. The strength in the glyphs means happy times. This square means safety. The plant means thriving. This swirl sliced in two is a glyph for danger. Or that’s what I thought, and I was right but not all the way. It meant that you were going to be separated from Lorne. And then this.” She pointed to another fao’ana. “This is the glyph for hiding. This one is for friendship. The friendship you formed while in hiding will help guide you always. More now than ever. Each glyph by itself means one thing, but all together, it tells a story. The story of your life.”

  “And the Aunare believe this can tell a person’s future? My future?” That seemed a little unreal, but I was open to any advice on what I should do.

  She let out a sigh. “This is what most Aunare don’t understand. A person’s talents—the ones on their arms that show strengths and weakness—those don’t change. You are born as you are. Some are good at baking. Others at music. Some at fighting. That’s the way of things. But the back tells your life story. They think what shows up at birth is as good as done, but things change. Life ebbs and flows. Choices are made, and paths are refused. Your destiny can be refused. Here,” she pointed to a glyph that looked like a ring, but lines were cutting through it. “You have a decision to make very soon. Sooner than you’d like. You will take on your destiny or ignore it. Once you decide, the fao’ana after it will change. I can’t tell you what to do, but—”

  “You think my destiny is with Lorne.”

  “Yes.” She said a word and a holo appeared next to mine. “This is Lorne.” She said something else, and hundreds of holos of him appeared. “These are the possibilities of what his glyphs could turn to. Since he will be king, I’ve made many, many predictions on him over the last few years. With you back, we thankfully got to eliminate a lot of them.” Jesmesha swiped her hand through the air, and most of the holos disappeared. Only a couple dozen were left, give or take.

  She walked to the third one over. “This one here is if you leave. Lorne ends up dying. We lose the war. SpaceTech will steal our tech and weaponize our energy sources. Our allies will fall. This is the worst possibility of them all.”

  “This is what I don’t get.” I snatched my tank from the ground and held it up to my chest as I rose. “What difference can I make? I’m just one person.”

  “Let’s look at your arms.” She knelt in front of me and took my left wrist.

  I kept my right hand against my chest to keep up my tank.

  “This one with wavy lines. That’s speed. You have five thick waves. The most of any Aunare. Strength are these dots. You have four large. Lorne has five.”

  She dropped my left wrist, and I used that hand to hold up my tank as she grabbed my other wrist.

  “This one—the zigzag—that’s intelligence. You have four zags and three zigs. All thick. One smart cookie. Here’s for compassion. Empathy. Logic. Strategy. Speed of problem-solving. Creativity. Weapons. Like Lorne, you’re the highest across your categories. The specific combination of talents, along with the family you were born into, means you are destined to rule us. No one can argue with these. You could even steal the throne from Lorne if you wanted.”

  What? I pulled my wrist free. “I would never do that.”

  “No. I agree. It would be better if you were together. Two worthy rulers will make up for having one ruler we never should’ve had for the last five decades.”

  That pissed me off. “Nothing can make up for all the Aunare who were slaughtered.”

  “No. You’re right. It’s too late for them.” Her glowing orange gaze met mine. “But we need you, or we won’t recover.”

  This was a nightmare. She wanted as much from me as everyone else.

  “It’s not a bad thing to be needed.”

  She didn’t get it. She didn’t know what she was asking. “I can barely take care of myself.”

  “Because you’ve been pushing Lorne away. Try something different. Try working with him. Try being Aunare for a bit. You sure look it now.”

  “I don’t have time to play at being Aunare. Not if war is coming, and somehow I have to stop it.” I stood, turning my back to her and slid my tank over my head. “How do I get them to go away?”

  “I’ve activated them in my own way. They’ll fade over the next few hours. Maybe a day at most.” She was quiet for a moment. “I’ll give you two pieces of advice before you go.”

  “Sure.” I would listen to her, but I was done. I wanted to go.

  “The tighter the grip you have on your fao’ana, the more out of control they’ll be.”

  That seemed completely unintuitive and backward.

  “Just relax. Don’t fight them.” She grabbed my left wrist. “This one.” She tapped the one closest to my hand. “Will bring fear because it’s a powerful weapon. Don’t be afraid of what’s inside of you. When you need it, this will be a tool for you to use. Until then, when you start to lose control, breathe. The control is inside you.”

  That was the glyph that Lorne said was the mirror of his. The one that could blow things up. “But if I get angry and hurt someone innocent—”

  “Have a little faith in yourself.” I started to talk, but she spoke over me. “And be you for once. Not the version you hid behind for the last thirteen years. The people will respond to the true version of you.”

  She was quiet then. Some of the glow was leaving her eyes, and the orange was fading into a muddy color that I thought might turn back into the lilac they’d been in the garden.

  “And the final piece
of advice—and maybe most important. Using your talents will leave you weakened like I am now. Be aware that using your most powerful one to its full extent will leave you helpless.”

  Helpless? I’d been helpless before, and I never wanted to feel that way again.

  “I’ll leave you to find your way while I rejuvenate. If you need me, you are welcome anytime.”

  She did seem to be a little slower now. A little hunched over, too. “Are you going to be okay?”

  She grinned at me. “There’s that empathy and sympathy.” She placed her fist to her heart and bowed. “I will be fine. This is what I was destined to do.”

  “All right.” I headed for the door. When I looked back, she was lying on the mat and seemingly sound asleep.

  I closed the door quietly behind me and put my shoes back on. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been with her, but I knew Lorne was waiting for me.

  I hurried around the side of her house—jumping over the hedgerow to avoid her gardens, so I didn’t trample any more of her plants—and back through the field. I wasn’t sure if I’d been there hours or minutes, but no matter how long I’d been there, I didn’t really feel any different. My fao’ana were visible now, but I didn’t think that she’d changed anything important. But I was wrong.

  I was wrong.

  I felt the hum of the ship’s frequency before the air moved around me. And then it was above me, and the ramp door lowered. Lorne walked to the middle of the ramp and waited for me.

  His smile was so big it felt like it filled my whole heart because he was so happy to see me. So happy to see my fao’ana, and I could feel that happiness almost as if it were my own. I couldn’t help but grin back at him.

  “How’d it go?” he asked, but his eyes were glittering. He could see exactly how it went. The proof was on my skin.

  I laughed. “She’s weird. Really weird. Did you know her eyes turn orange?”

  “I did.” He ran his hands down my arms and held onto my hands.

  If I thought that I felt things for him before, I was wrong. It was like my own feelings were being echoed back at me along with his, and it was making me a little giddy. I wasn’t sure if this was just the after effects of what Jesmesha had done, but it was weird.