Off Balance Read online

  “That’s crap.”

  “It’s not.” I wanted to shake her until she understood. “You’re my shalshasa. Our frequencies help each other. It’s not a line. I promise you’d actually sleep if I were in here. I can be on the floor. Please let me sleep on your floor. I’m exhausted, too. We can’t keep doing this.”

  “I want to be okay on my own.”

  She was so damned stubborn. “And you will be. It’s okay to need help sometimes, especially from me.”

  She didn’t say anything.

  I had to try a different tactic. “Your nightmares aren’t going away. You’re losing weight, and you don’t have any to lose. You need to talk to someone. I wish that person was me, but I don’t care who you talk to. It’s not Roan, or else you would be talking to him. Your mom?”

  She hummed for a second, and I didn’t understand how she couldn’t see that she was Aunare. It was something instinctive that we sometimes did to calm ourselves.

  “No,” she said finally. “I can’t talk to her. Not anymore.”

  That would break her heart to know that. Whatever this game that Rysden was playing with his family—it didn’t seem to be working.

  It didn’t have to be her mom. “Audrey? Ahiga?”

  “Audrey’s on vacation with Tyler visiting her relatives. I can’t drag her back to take care of me again. She’s already done that enough, and she’s suffered as much as I have. She deserves her break.” She was quiet for a second. “There’s nothing to say. Everyone saw the videos. I just need to get over it. And I will. I just wake up smelling sulfur sometimes and I…”

  She stared off into nothing, and I felt another pang of fear from her. “I can’t smell any sulfur. I never do. It’s just your memories.”

  “How do you always know?”

  “You’re my shalshasa. I can feel it.”

  “How? You mentioned the frequencies, but I don’t feel it.”

  Goddess, how did I explain it to her? “Earther moms talk about knowing when their children are in pain. Twins are the same, right?”

  She nodded.

  “It’s like that.”

  “But I can’t feel you.”

  “You used to, but maybe you can’t right now because you’re dealing with enough, and again, I think the wipe really messed with your Aunare half. But you can feel something. I know you can. Like when I say your name. Our frequencies have always affected each other in a big way.”

  The evening seemed to be never-ending, and the exhaustion was wearing on me. I sat down on her bed, hoping she’d agree to let me stay. “Will you sleep now? Will you let me stay?”

  She shook her head.

  “Please.”

  She shrugged. “I got a few hours. That’s more than I do most nights. I’m awake now, and you look exhausted. You should go to sleep.”

  “You don’t think you could? Even just a little?” She might not think she looked tired, but she did. Her skin was too pale, and there were shadows under her eyes.

  She thought for a second. “Honestly, no. I’m going to shower and sneak into the kitchens.”

  Kitchens meant food. “You’ll eat?”

  “That’s my plan.” She sighed. “I’m doing the best I can. I promise.”

  “I know you are.” I stood and felt so tired my bones ached with it. “If you need me, I’ll be in my room.”

  I left before I fell down with exhaustion. Today had been a lot, physically and emotionally. The guards outside her door were gone, which meant the house had been cleared. I was done.

  Amihanna had talked to me tonight. Twice. That was major progress. Little by little, I’d get my Amihanna back to being healthy and happy. She didn’t know it yet, but I’d give up everything to be with her. If it came down to ruling or her, there was no contest.

  Amihanna was everything.

  When I got back to my rooms, I quickly got ready for bed. I’d been getting up with her every night, and sleeplessness was getting to both of us.

  I’d just turned off the lights and slid into bed when I heard the door slide open.

  I froze. Only one person could enter my room when I had the do-not-disturb on.

  Amihanna.

  The relief I felt was so intense I wanted to cry and laugh and thank the Goddess that finally she was here, but I forced myself to stay silent. I didn’t want to scare her away.

  She stood beside the bed, staring down at me.

  I waited. For this, I would wait forever. Patiently. Happily.

  She let out a long-suffering sigh that told me exactly how exhausted she was. “This doesn’t mean anything. I just want to sleep. I’m so tired, and I…you said—”

  I threw the covers back and scooted over. “Get in.” I didn’t care why she was here. I was just thankful that she was.

  She stayed on the edge of the bed as far away from me as she could, and that was fine. I was okay with that. Because she was here.

  Amihanna was here.

  Everything was going to be okay.

  I closed my eyes and relaxed in a way I hadn’t in thirteen years.

  Amihanna was here, and everything was finally going to be okay.

  Chapter Ten

  AMIHANNA

  I woke up to my wrist unit vibrating. The room was dark, Lorne was sleeping beside me, and I felt safer and more rested than I’d been in—I didn’t know how long. Maybe ever. At least that’s how I felt before fear skittered along my skin. Fear that from knowing I’d say yes to whatever Lorne wanted—no matter the cost—if I could only sleep one more dreamless night in his bed.

  So, I did what any sane person would do. I got the hell out of there.

  I didn’t even go back to my room. I didn’t grab breakfast. I didn’t watch the news like I did every single morning for as long as I could remember.

  No. Not today. Today I needed something else.

  I couldn’t wrap my head around anything that Lorne had said. It had been a lot and emotional and complicated. I needed to move my body so that I could figure out what was I was going to do about any of it. If there even was anything to be done about it.

  I didn’t think Lorne was going to be right about being able to sleep without issues when I was with him. I thought I was going to wake up having another nightmare, and then I’d be able to say—See, Lorne. This whole frequency thing is total bullshit. I’m not who you think I am. It wasn’t that I wanted him to be wrong exactly, but his being right made everything else more complicated. It meant that I couldn’t ignore Lorne anymore. I couldn’t push away what I was feeling, especially now that I knew it wasn’t just a crush. Not for either of us.

  But what was I supposed to do about it? I had some big decisions to make, and I wasn’t sure what the right path was.

  Declan had been training me for weeks. Every day he talked about how we’d go back to Earth and help everyone there. We’d get them out from under the oppressive thumb of his father’s corporation. It was his mission in life. And while I appreciated his unwavering dedication to it, I hadn’t agreed to go back with him yet.

  Some days Declan harped on it a lot, and others he didn’t say anything at all. I’d been thinking about it off and on, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Still, I was much more okay with going back to Earth than the whole becoming queen thing.

  Me being a queen? It seemed more fucked up and weird every time I thought about it.

  But Lorne explained some of what I felt when I was around him, and he’d helped me sleep. The urge to run, run, run away wasn’t quite so loud this morning, and in its wake was a whole other level of need for him. I wanted Lorne more than I wanted anything else in my life. I wanted him to hold me or even just be in the same room with him. I loved the sound of his voice, but I loved his laugh even more. I loved how he was quick to smile, but then sometimes oh so serious. And I knew he was strong and powerful, but the way he kind of tucked his power to the side—only using it when he needed it—was just so…I didn’t have words. It just made him that much more attra
ctive, and the man didn’t need any help in that department. Not even a little bit.

  Could I go with Declan and leave Lorne behind?

  It would’ve been easier to leave if Lorne didn’t love me. It would’ve been easier to leave if Lorne told me that I had to be queen. But he didn’t say that. I didn’t have to be queen. He just wanted me.

  Maybe staying here didn’t have to be so hard. Maybe I really could just be with him. My father would be disappointed, but that seemed to be his MO. Being with Lorne was appealing in the most terrifying way.

  But was he serious? Could I be with him and really not be queen? Or was he just saying that to get me to stay?

  If I married him and didn’t accept the throne, was that considered chickening out? Did I even care about that?

  Fuck it. I was confusing myself.

  So, I hit the gym. I climbed up the wall and dropped.

  Up the wall and down to the floor.

  Up the wall and twisting, flipping as I fell.

  Lorne was right. The repetition and exertion made me feel calmer. Quieter. And for a little while, I felt a little bit of peace.

  Until Declan whistled for me to stop.

  I dropped to the ground. Sweat trickled down my face, and I was pretty sure I stank, but he’d seen me in much worse shape. “Hey.”

  “What time did you get here?” He didn’t look concerned, but the crease between his brows told me that he was confused by something.

  “Around seven. Why?”

  He scratched the top of his head. “I thought we were meeting at ten.”

  Why did he care what time I got here? “I needed to burn off some energy.” I stared at him, and he shifted his weight from his right foot to his left, then back again.

  Okay. He was definitely nervous about something. There wasn’t much different this morning than any other morning for the last three weeks. Either something from the party was bugging him, or he somehow knew where I’d slept and wanted to ask me about it.

  I waited for him to say something, but he just shifted his weight again and then turned away from me.

  “I’m going to warm up, and then we’ll spar,” he said.

  “Okay.” He walked off to the side, and I watched him. It was weird. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with him, but I knew him well enough to know that something was off. His muscles were a little too stiff, and he was way too serious, even for Declan. And he usually liked to start out the morning with a lecture on how the war was coming and that Earth would need protecting.

  I was probably blowing something out of proportion. Not everything was about me. He might’ve stayed at the party and drank too much, and maybe he just thought he’d get to work out alone for a while. I was sure he needed a break from me by now.

  And if he were mad at me for some unknown reason, he’d tell me.

  I turned to the climbing wall and started running.

  Last night had been an unusually emotional evening, and that was making me poke at things that didn’t need poking. We’d spar, and I was sure Declan would sort himself out.

  But as the day progressed, Declan didn’t sort anything out. If anything, his mood got progressively worse.

  We’d gone from sparring, to the climbing wall, back to sparring, to this stupid game—and game was a loose term. He’d set up a holo simulation of a hostage situation in the gym. We’d done a few holo war games before. It was usually pretty fun, and a nice upgrade from anything that I’d had on Earth. Declan said that SpaceTech had something similar—although not as realistic—but my old warehouse wasn’t the least bit fancy.

  During the holo game, I had to take down all the bad guys and get away with the human alive. Which was fine, except Declan was firing at me, too. Firing with a real weapon. It was on stun, but it still hurt like a bitch when I got hit.

  Declan said I hadn’t actually been on a battlefield, and he wanted to give me some experience so that I was fully prepared. Which sounded like a good idea before we started. But it wasn’t. His idea was utter garbage.

  To be fair, the first time he hit me with his gun on stun was motivating. It made me move smarter, faster, better.

  The second time, I called him a not-so-pretty name. By then, I’d been battling holo bad guys for two hours and was ready for a break. My skin brightened, and I tried to beat down my anger with him. But he’d been a jerk today. He wasn’t pulling his punches—I could already feel a bruise spreading across my side—and he’d taken a few cheap shots while we were sparring. Which he’d never done before.

  Any time I asked him what was going on, Declan would say that there was no such thing as fair fights in war. That I had to be prepared. But fuck being prepared. We were supposed to be friends, and he was attacking me.

  The third time he shot me, I told him where he could shove his gun. My skin was so bright, it almost hurt to look at. Declan was getting on my last nerve. He was hiding in the simulation somewhere, but I couldn’t find him. And if I couldn’t find him, I couldn’t get his gun.

  A beam of light shot through a holo building, and I dropped to the ground. A sting of searing pain hit my cheek.

  “Damn it, Declan!” I pressed my hand against it, and my hand came back wet with blood. Not a lot of blood, but still. “I’m bleeding.”

  “Quit bitching. It can’t be more than a scratch. My gun’s only on stun.”

  I turned around the room, trying to remember where the gym’s walls were. The room looked like an Earther city, so I was a little turned around. But from where he was firing…

  Oh man. I was going to murder him. “You’re cheating.” The only way he could’ve hit me from that angle was if he was harnessed to the climbing wall. The buildings were holo. I could use them for cover against the holo guys, but not against Declan.

  He’d gone too far. I didn’t care what mood he was in. A few sucker punches. Fine. Firing his weapon at me? Iced. Cheating to hit me? One hundred percent glacier.

  “Turn the simulation off!” I screamed at where I thought the climbing wall—and Declan—was. “I’m done!”

  “You’re done when I say you’re done!”

  Asshole. “You’ve hit me four times. And you’re cheating! You can’t hit me from outside the holo game. I’m done!” My skin grew brighter and brighter, and the slight fao’ana on them started flickering.

  The holo was still on, and I didn’t care what Declan said. I wasn’t playing anymore.

  “Ahiga. Turn it off. I’m not joking.” A second later, the simulation clicked off, and I was back in the well-lit gym with its white padded walls.

  Declan repelled down the wall, jumping down the last ten feet. I crossed my arms as I waited for him. I didn’t trust myself to move. If I did, I’d punch him in the face, and I wasn’t sinking to his level.

  Declan unclipped from the rope and started stomping across the gym toward me. “You’ve got to be faster. You can’t keep holding back. The war is starting, and I need you to take down my father. You’re going to be the one to make that happen, but you can’t be if you keep going so fucking slow.”

  Damn it. What was up his ass today? “Was there something on the news that put you in such a shit mood?”

  “Yes! If you’d been paying attention to anything but yourself, you’d see how bad it was on Earth.”

  Did he think I didn’t care? That I wasn’t watching? Of course I cared. Of course I watched. But I hadn’t today.

  Fear made my breath quicken. “What happened?”

  “Same as always. People are dying.” He unbuckled his harness, dropped it to the ground, and kicked it away from him. “SpaceTech is doing nothing to help, and risking innocent lives by going up against the Aunare.”

  That wasn’t new. That didn’t explain why he was being this way. “How is this my problem? Why does this justify you being a total asshole to me?”

  Declan strode to me, stepping in my personal space to shove his finger in my face. “It seems like you’re too busy fucking around in the gym to notice
that we have a war to fight. If you’re going to be queen, be queen. And if you’re not, then let’s go. But sitting around here isn’t doing anyone any good. People are dying and—”

  “Get your finger out of my fucking face.” I slapped his hand away to stop myself from snapping his finger off. “What the—”

  His face was turning a nice shade of tomato with his barely contained rage. “You spent the night in his room!”

  It was as if the floor disappeared, and I was falling through space with nothing to hold on to.

  That’s what this was about?

  Why? Because he wanted me?

  But… “You’re jealous? Not that it’s any of your business where I sleep, but nothing happened in that bed except exactly that—I slept. For the first time in weeks, I was able to get more than a couple of hours of sleep without waking up screaming and covered in sweat. And if Lorne can give me that by just being in the same room as him, I might just attach myself to him for—”

  He stomped away from me and then back. “Are you accepting the throne? Because I don’t want to waste another day training with you if—”

  Oh. Okay. This made much more sense. “Are you mad because I slept in Lorne’s bed? Mad that I’d pick him over you in a romantic way? Or are you mad because you want me to fight your fucking war for you, and you think Lorne might get in the way?” I wasn’t a tool for someone to use. Not even him.

  Declan wasn’t looking at me now. He wasn’t yelling. He wasn’t stomping his feet or firing his gun or fighting. I wasn’t sure what was going on in his head, and I wasn’t sure I cared.

  “If you want to leave, then leave. I didn’t ask you to stay on Sel’Ani. I never asked you to train me. You feel like you’ve got somewhere better to be, then—”

  He turned to me, and I’d thought he was calming down. But he wasn’t. “Don’t you think that if I could fix everything without you that I would’ve done it already?” He spat the words at me as he stormed at me. “But it has to be you. That’s what the priestess said. If I go alone, we lose! If Lorne fights alone, we lose. I have to go back, and I can’t afford to lose this war. I need you to go with me. I need you to pick me so that I can win.”